A year away from a quarter of a century

This year's birthday, I felt like an adult.  No, this is not an I'm-such-an-old-fart blog post, but rather a monumental occasion.  It's surreal how much I can sit back a watch my life transfer from being a college kid to a real-life adult.  Not much more on that one since I think there's some blog post dedicated to me growing up somewhere in the past.  :)

Anywho, life has been on the uphill!  I went through a rough patch for a while with my health, and it took a toll on not just my body, but my heart and spirit as well.  Pain and uncertainty can suck the life out of you.  I felt like I was losing myself for a long time, but the good news is that I'm coming back and feeling much better.  Lessons learned you ask?  Oh, twist my arm.

#1: Just keep going.
No matter how hard life can get, just keep going.  It's only when you give up that you are defeated.

#2: It's OK to not be OK.
You don't have to be 100% all the time.  Give yourself the benefit of the doubt and some time to take care of YOU.

#3: Choose to be optimistic.
Over-analyzing and thinking of the worst-case scenarios will only take years off your life.

#4: Listen to your heart.
I read The Alchemist, and it CHANGED MY LIFE.  I'm going to have to read it a few more times to get it all, but one of the lessons I learned is to stop everything (including your racing mind) and listen to your heart.

Often times, when I go to sleep my heart is pounding, and I couldn't figure out why.  Well, it's because my mind and body were turning in for the night, and my heart finally could have a say, and it was screaming!  Funny as it sounds, I started having conversations with my heart that went something like this:

Me: Hey heart.  I'm listening now.  What's going on?
Brain: Dude, it's just ___ and ___.  Tell him to go to bed.
Me: Brain.  Shut. UP.
Heart: (Screaming) Hellooooo! Can you hear me?!
Me: Hello.
Heart: So you're going to listen?
Brain: I'm telling you he's just-
Me: BRAIN, I'm talking to heart.  Go to bed.  Go ahead heart.  Tell me why you are pounding.
Heart:  Sheesh.  Finally.  I'm concerned about ____ and I want you to _____ and I'm scared about ____ and I feel like ____.

It just kept going and going with all sorts of concerns and wishful thinking.  I listened.

Me: OK.  I totally see and understand all that you are saying  But let's be real.  Bedtime surely isn't the best time to chat about these things let alone yell them at me.  So how about we make a deal:  I'll listen more, and you'll let me sleep.
Heart: You promise?
Me: Cross my heart.
Heart: Just don't hope to die.

Bring it on, 2013.

Happy New Year, y'all!

I was a party pooper this year and rang in the New Year fast asleep.  After working a full day up at the tour desk at Epcot, I was super tired and not eager to stay up until midnight since work awaited me the next morning.  However, my roommate Shelly and I had a lovely evening with PJ's, nachos, popcorn, tea, Martinelli's, and a movie.

Since it was the first Sunday of the month at church, people in my congregation had the opportunity to bear their testimonies if they so desired.  It was a great meeting full of thoughts on new beginnings and renewing or creating new goals.

I LOVE this time of year.  It feels like a breath of fresh air, or my favorite analogy of new leaves.  You know that feeling when you feel so renewed, and the air around you just smells of new beginning?  I love it.  I love the way it makes me feel hopeful and eager for the day to present its offerings to me.  The feeling doesn't come every day, but when it does, I soak it in and breathe deeply.

It's incredible to stop and look back on 2012: the good, the bad, and the ugly of it.  There are things that I'm still working on, other challenges I've conquered, and an opportunity to take the unfinished business on to 2013.

Ready?  Set... GO change the world.  :)

Adult Life, Leaves, and Lessons

It's been three MONTHS since I last blogged.  Welp, so much for writing once a week!  Does it count that I at least thought about writing each week? :)

Life has been a total blur as I've continued to settle in my new job, soak in the joys and disappointments of adult life, move into a beautiful little townhouse with my friend Shelly, and learn many valuable lessons.

Work just gets better each day I come and get more familiar and confident with my surroundings and tasks.  I'm finding ways to make my job more efficient and meaningful, and I'm learning SO much from my leaders and coworkers.  This job gives me a completely different perspective on Disney's Agricultural Sciences internship program - there is a LOT that goes on behind-the-scenes that interns don't know about to ensure they have a good experience.  I'm humbled and grateful to have been given this new way of looking at the program.  And BOY am I grateful for my internship experience and degree!  It has made learning my job SO much easier.

As for being an adult, there are great things as well as moments when I wish I could be a carefree kid again.

THE GOOD:
#1 - I LOVE being independent.  The feeling of providing for yourself is so satisfying and makes all the years of preparation for this moment worth it.
#2 - It's exciting to move on and be a grownup!  New stories to tell, different mindsets that inspire you to create new goals...
#3 - This new chapter of my life provides me with the opportunity to stop and turn over a new leaf.  A BIG new leaf.

Speaking of leaves, here's a commercial-break story for you to enjoy between the good and bad of being an adult:
My friend Jon sent me this beautiful leaf, hand-carved from a coconut shell that led to a great conversation about the symbolism behind leaves.  He talked about how it inspired him to create new ideas and goals/ambitions.  I added to that idea with a thought I'd always had about leaves: for me, leaves represent fresh starts.  We can mess up, have our leaves fall off in the cold weather, but new leaves always come.  Thank heavens for our Savior, Jesus Christ who is our never-ending supply of living water that keeps our spiritual trees alive.

Anyways, back to adult life:

THE NOT-SO-GOOD
#1 - Bills.  Need I say more?
#2 - Responsibilities don't go away.
#3 - There have been moments when I wish I could be a carefree college kid that wasn't sure what to do with my future.  I think about my time spent as an intern in Orlando, and the experience is much more different this time around.  It's not as... kid-like, I guess.  There's good and bad to that.

But to add to the good for adult life, I LOVE MY NEW PLACE!  It's so perfect for me and Shelly.  We were so fortunate to have my parents offer to rent the third bedroom in the house to lower rent costs, and the location is more than convenient for work and shopping.  A townhouse feels so much more like a home than does an apartment.  And it's great to see my parents on a pretty regular basis.  I missed them a lot when I was in college.

Overall, I'm (still) learning to trust in the Lord, deal with anxiety in healthy ways, and let go of being in control.  I caught myself a few weeks ago in a situation that made me realize I'd been slipping back into old habits: not saying "no," trying to save people from their woes of life, over thinking things, etc.  But thank HEAVENS for the silver lining of the hard things we have to experience.  These moments force us to stop and change our perspective back to where it should be.  They encourage us to turn to the Lord for redirection, and boy does He love to do that.  I'm grateful for good friends to talk to that can be instruments in the Lord's hand to help me see the perspective He wants me to have and come to realize the hard things I have to do in order to come closer to Him.  They're worth it, by the way.  

The more I experience in life, the more I know that the gospel of Jesus Christ is not only true but ever present in the world.  As hard as it may seem to find it, God is in the details of your life.  His love is expressed in so many ways, from the intricate designs of a leaf to the great sacrifice of His Son.  Christ's Atonement does more for me than I think I realize, and I am so grateful that He still offers His support, love, and resources when I'm not the perfect saint He hopes I will become.  I'm getting closer to that goal each day, but if it weren't for His forgiveness and support, I'd be toast.

Life's Full of Waves

Tomorrow, I celebrate my one-month with Disney as a full-time cast member.  WHERE did the time go?!

At work today, I was so busy that I looked at my Nextel radio and realized I only had 10 more minutes left of work when it felt like I'd just started.  It's so good to be busy and happy, though.  I keep a healthy pace so I don't burn out or compromise quality, and I am loving every minute.

I've been thinking a lot about my life in general, taking a step back and seeing where I've been and where I am now, and I've come to a conclusion:

Life's a lot like surfing.

You go through a series of many waves, weather conditions, and different currents.  You can either fight the change (which will only wear you out) or ride the waves when they come.  

As you sit on your figurative board, you always have to be balancing and paddling to stay where you need to be.  It's the same way with life: you're either moving forward or backwards.  There is no stopping point where you are safe.  

When waves come, you don't have control over stopping them or changing their direction or power.  It's better to just ride the wave, find what you enjoy about it, and soak in the excitement rather than analyze the wave, complain that the water's too salty, and end up barrel-rolling through it for no good reason.  

Remember that waves come in sets with calm times in between.  If you feel like hard times will never end, just remind yourself that the set isn't over and calm seas will come.  

You have a figurative surf boards to hold onto: friends, family, faith, Jesus Christ, God, etc.  Keep that ankle strap on and don't lose them.  

There will be times when you don't see a wave coming and you get pummeled.  Don't panic, because it'll only make it worse.  Hold onto your board, and it will pass.  

Most importantly, when you're surfing, it's so important to bring water and food with you.  Christ has a never-ending supply of spiritual food and water that you need.  All you have to do is ask.  

So, surfs up everyone.  

My Own Tropical Storm

Oh, hurricane season.

I LOVE IT!  Stormy, windy days that remind me of childhood days spent hoping and praying that school would get cancelled.

Sure, Hurricane Isaac is out there right now, but I've got to say that Hurricane "Valerie's Life" has been quite a storm.  In a good way, of course.

In less than a week, I had a job offer, a car, a place to stay, I moved in, and started work.  People have asked me how I felt, and I honestly couldn't answer the question because I had no time to even think about it.  This entire ordeal has been a complete whirlwind!  When I'd say my prayers at night, I'd pause, sigh, and just shake my head in disbelief.  I just can't believe how quickly my life changed.

As for work, I'm drinking from a fire hose, and it's GREAT.  I'm catching on quickly, and the more I get the hang of things, the more excited I get.

Life is beautiful.  :)

When It Rains, It POURS.

You know that familiar saying, "When it rains, it pours?"  Sometimes it's for bad, and other times it's for good.  I am so excited to say that I experienced one of the most amazing thunderstorms recently that I will never forget.  For good.  :)

As you probably know, I graduated from college in July and have been on the hunt for a job since April.  To save time and prevent myself from reinventing the wheel, I'll direct you to my previous posts for the exhilarating stories and epiphanies that came with that 4-month storm.  After barely a month of graduating...

I have a job.

I'm just going to put it out there right away:

This morning, I accepted a position back at Walt Disney World, and better yet, back at my "home," The Land at EPCOT as the Agricultural Sciences Secretary.  

And even better yet, in a matter of a little over 24 hours, I got the job offer, found a great car, and have a place to stay in Orlando already (Monica, you are an ANGEL).  Seriously.  It rained cats and dogs.

Now, I have a lot of explaining to do.

As I was job hunting, I was looking all over the United States from Washington to Maryland.  I was THIS close to three different jobs, but for many different reasons, they simply didn't work out.  I distinctly remember this moment when I was ruminating about the future that a thought came to my mind: What if you ended up back at Disney?  Ask my friend Jon.  The thought came to me just weeks before discovering the opening!  Time stood still for a second, I looked up to the skies, tilted my head and said, "Really?"

Now, many of you asked over the past two years if I was planning on going back to work for Disney when I graduated, and almost always the answer was "no."  It was definitely not because I disliked the company or the internship.  I loved them and spent a year and a half recruiting for Disney's internships and college programs at BYU-Idaho and sent 4 friends from school back to The Land as interns.  The main reason why I shied away from the idea was that it was a one-in-a-million chance that Disney would have the job I was looking for at the right time.  And yes, Disney has it's flaws (believe it or not!), but so does every company.  I respect Disney for what it does to bring happiness to millions of people every day.

My career goal at the moment is to find a job where I can help people have a great experience in horticulture, and I was looking more on the administrative/PR/HR side of horticulture than the actual digging in the dirt aspect.  I'll save that part for when I have kids and a HUGE garden that will feed the world.  Whether it was at a botanic garden, in an HR or PR position for a large landscaping or seed company, recruiting, etc., I wanted to work with people.

This position at The Land popped up when Lori, the current secretary found another job within the company.  It was by total chance that I was looking on Disney's career website to just take a quick peek that I saw the opening.  And openings at The Land are a rare find, so I consider myself extremely lucky.

Many people in my interview and friends that I talked to about the position scratched their heads and said, "Why did you want to apply for a secretary position?"  I came to realize that this position is a GREAT place for me.  Not only do I get to go back to The Land and give back to a program that did so much for me, but the position is much more than pushing papers.  I will get to do a variety of different tasks including budgeting, payroll, assisting in the recruiting process, and possibly some research on the side that I can dabble in many things to find where my talents shine the most.  And overall, I get to help run one of the best intern programs in the world!

I am really looking forward to seeing what I can do for The Land.  I know that this job will be what I put into it.  It can be a clock-in and clock-out job, or I can take this chance to leave my mark and do the absolute best I can with the talents I've been blessed with.  I have the unique background of a degree in Horticulture and a year's worth of intern experience there that allows me to help the intern program progress.

And boy do I have big shoes to fill.  Lori has been an AMAZING secretary for years, and I know she will be missed.  I have to give her a well-earned shout out that she is the best right now.  She's written up a huge how-to manual for me and spent nearly an hour talking to me on the phone about the job as well as Disney's benefits.  Lori, thank you so much!

I owe all of this to professors who guided me in the right direction, friends who were support, all my now-coworkers at The Land (so weird!), family, and ultimately my Heavenly Father.

What a huge blessing to come back to a familiar place to start my career that is not far from home.  Thank you just doesn't seem to be enough in my prayers to express how much gratitude I feel.  So instead, I'm going to give this job my absolute best and show Heavenly Father how grateful I am.

To all who are getting ready to graduate soon or are feeling lost in your career, know that there is a time and place for everything.  Don't be afraid to explore different options, and if that means looking somewhere you never thought you would (like me going back to The Land... I'm still trying to comprehend that), do it!

And please do something that I wish I'd done sooner.  Do all you can, but remember that there comes a point in the process when it's out of your hands.  TRUST that God has a place for you to be, and no matter what it is, He will use you to make a difference in the lives of so many people who need you.

See you all at Disney.  :)

Stop and Reflect

Today, I got back in touch with my intern supervisor from Denver Botanic Gardens and two things happened:

#1: I completely forgot to give a shout-out to Katy in my recent blog post!
#2: Without intending to, Katy reminded me to go back and read my blog posts from the past.

Katy is one of my most favorite people I met a year ago in Denver.  She was my supervisor at DBG and good friend that made my experience there a great one!

To Katy: I'll never forget the time when we had to weed that area near the fence where it smelled SO bad, and I couldn't stop laughing at your reaction when we'd expose another pocket of stench.  Your laugh is one of my favorite parts about you!  It's contagious, sincere, and so warm.  Thank you for all the lunch adventures with coworkers and volunteers, for being so patient with me and my learning curve, for teaching me everything I ever wanted to know about seeds, and for being such a positive influence on me.  If I ever end up back in Denver, we will definitely be meeting up for some Ethiopian food.  :)

Our seed collecting adventures!

Now for the #2 part of this blog post:  Katy sent me a message on Facebook mentioning that she'd read my blog, and it reminded me that I hadn't read my own blog in a very long time.  What an eye-opener to read about all these experiences and insights I'd had in the past that I forgot about!  

I am a HUGE fan of writing things down and keeping records.  It's amazing what you forget about and also how much something you wrote 5 years ago can help you today.  This week, I used a "smash book" I got from Arica for graduation to put all these cards and letters I'd been saving since I was a kid.  I picked the ones that meant a lot to me and put them in this book.  I can't tell you how many times I've gone back and flipped through the pages to re-read letters from over a decade ago from my dad or a birthday card from a friend.  

Life is wonderful.  :)

Closing the College Chapter

I can't believe it.  I'm graduated.

After over 18 years of schooling, I have a degree that I can use to go make a difference in the world.  Did I ever imagine my life would pan out the way it has?  Nope.  Am I grateful for the way it turned out?  Oh yeah.

Contrary to popular belief, if you were to ask me five years ago where I thought I'd see myself today, I never EVER would have said I would end up with a degree in Horticulture.  And you know what?  You often don't know what's good for you anyway.

Words can't express how grateful I am for how incredible the past five years have been.  And I would not have had such a great experience had it not been for the people that joined me for the journey.

If you aren't personally mentioned in this blog post and you feel that you've made a difference in my life, THANK YOU for everything you've done!!!  Now all my bases are covered.  : )

First and very foremost, to my family:

Parents: THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.  You two were always my biggest support in every way, and I knew I could count on you for solid ground and a bigger perspective. I love you two more than I could ever express.

Mom, my best friend, my "love doctor" counselor who heard anything and everything about my boy drama, and the best mom anyone could ask for.  All of your well wishes, prayers, cards, and care packages kept me going and motivated me to keep going and not let you down.  You are such a great example of what kind of Mom I want to be.

Dad (a.k.a. Papa Bird), I LOVE YOU.  Despite the fact that you had to often hide in your office when the estrogen became overwhelming with me, Mom and my sisters, you have been a huge support to your princesses.  I will never forget the time when you came to see me in Denver during a very dark time in my life and how you were right there to put your arm around me when I completely lost it.  You taught me what true devotion to the gospel of Jesus Christ looks like through your example.  I love you so much, and Baby Bird will never forget where home is: with her Papa Bird.

To all my grandparents:  Thank you so much for all the cards, letters, phone calls, and Skype conversations. Your support during this whole schooling ordeal has been such a help in keeping me connected to family, which was something I was worried about being in Idaho all by myself.

Natalie (Kitty, Nat-Nat, Makalee, etc.)  Thank you for teaching me by example how anyone can do anything if they just try instead of letting self-doubt and cynics rule their decision making.  You also have taught me to pursue what you are passionate about and trust that things will work out.  I love you always.  No matter what.

Lauren (Doone, Corn Dog, Doonie)  My beach buddy and wonderful sister.  Thank you for your contagious laugh and for the way that you care for people.  I love how much you take people under your wing and make them better.  Just a word of advice from someone who's pretty similar to you (aka ME): Make sure that YOUR needs are taken care of too, OK?  I love you Doone Doone.

To my BYU-Idaho friends:

I am amazed at how many wonderful friends have come into my life as a result of me coming to BYU-Idaho.  This is probably the biggest reason why it's so hard for me to leave this place.  A huge piece of my heart belongs with all of you.

Arica (ATP!): You were there since the beginning as my FHE sister.  You saved me from the torturous dorms and took me under your wing.  You have been one of the most devoted and loyal friends I've ever had, and we both know that we're going to end up in the same nursing home when we're old.  Thank you for staying in touch despite the distance that separates us, and I know we'll see each other soon. It's bound to happen.  :)

Jon: My stinker, hot dog, and best bud all put into one person!  You have been more than just a friend to me.  You've been my support, shoulder to cry on, listening ear, and partner in crime.  I can't imagine what the last two years would have been like without you around.  From the trips to Seattle and California to the many hours spent in the computer lab, there are too many memories to not forget.  You have been there for me during very hard times this year, and I can't thank you enough.  And thank you for your patience in many circumstances... Including the 4 hours you spent with me in Idaho Falls looking for my graduation outfit and coming home with nothing.  You are going to do amazing things when you graduate in December, and I can't wait to hear about where life will lead you next.

Kristin: NOODLE!  Who am I going to be completely weird and crazy around now?  We've become so comfortable with each other (... maybe TOO comfortable) and I'm going to miss that.  I am SO grateful Arica introduced us to each other and that we could spend 4 semesters as room-roommates.  Thank you for the cry-out sessions in our room, the random dance parties, burping contests, and other things I won't mention to save our reputations.  I love your laugh and southern accent.  And your fried okra.  And YOU.

Local Boys: 

I am SO glad that we were all in the same ward for a little while so that we could know each other!  You boys have been so fun to hang out with.

Kirk: Yes, you and Reuben have a bromance.  :) But alas, it's been so fun to be your friend.  I'll never forget the moose adventure when we almost DIED or the time you told us all your stories about Ghana.  I'm really going to miss the conversations we had in the computer lab as well as the wand fights and wrestling matches.  Your future kids are going to LOVE how much fun you are.  


Reuben: It's been so fun to hang out with you this past spring semester!  Thanks for all the bruises and steam rolling experiences.  Best of luck to you when you graduate in December.


Trevor: I know that if I ever want a crazy adventure, all I have to do is hop into your suburban and have you take a group of friends to the ice caves.  Have a GREAT time in the Horticulture program, and keep an eye on Kirk if he chooses to join our side.  


Spencer: There have been SO many times that my roommates and I will get to talking about how awesome you are.  Thank you for being so sweet and fun to be around.  You will always be remembered when I watch the first few minutes of Lion King.  Haaaaaasawaayeeeeaaaah!

To all my current and past roommates: THANK YOU for all the fun memories and lessons learned.

My current roommates:

Kandice (Kandy): You taught me to be constantly optimistic and grateful.  I'm attributing any crazy out-of-the-country adventures to your influence.

Raeanne (Rae Rae): You will soon be a married woman!  Thank you for being so loyal to the gospel of Jesus Christ through your example and how high you and Austin have kept your standards.  You're going to be a GREAT married couple.

Brittany (Britt): I'm holding three fingers up with a serious look on my face for you.  :)  Thank you for being wild and crazy with me despite the fact that we might have scared a few people off.  You taught me to be brave enough to do what you want to and not what others think you should be doing.  I'll be your first customer when you get done with hair school.

Chantel (Channy): You are going to have SUCH a great time at Disney World (not that I'm biased or anything).  Thank you for all the pizza and your positive attitude.  Can't wait to see you in Florida!

To my Horticulture friends (Horties!):

Production Gang (SULAEF!): I will never forget that winter semester that we all took the same classes and went to California for two weeks.  And I'm pretty sure Brother Toll won't either.  We left some pretty good damage on his sanity.  Thank you Jace, Micah, America, Bre, Jon, Tate, Shawn, Terri, Spencer, and Ashley.

Toffer: Thank you for all the lessons learned and for taking a chance on me.  Being with you was an incredible learning experience, and I am so grateful for your support and patience.  I wish you the absolute best in this world and know that you are going to go amazing places.  Keep moving forward, and I know Heavenly Father will bless you in your efforts to do what's right.

Lanae, Mitzi, and Vallie: It's been so wonderful to get to know you three and stay in contact despite the different graduation times, work, and school schedules.  It's going to be so fun to find out where we all ended up in five years!

Thanks to all my professors for not only being great teachers, but wonderful mentors and friends.  It's not often that you find a program like BYU-Idaho's Horticulture program that has teachers who are so caring and invested in the students.

To Brother Toll for encouraging me to jump into the industry sooner than I expected and for teaching me every possible thing I needed to know about growing plants.  Thank you for helping me find my passion.

To my Orlando friends:

The year I spent in Orlando part way through my schooling was exactly what I needed at that time.  I am SO glad that I still can come back to Orlando and visit many of the people who were part of my year experience there.

Intern friends: Thank you for all the quality control boat rides, crop pulls, "What's your 80" calls, and funny tour stories.

Les: Thank you for staying in touch for the past two years!  I am so glad I got to see you in Denver when I was at DBG, and I love visiting you whenever I'm in Orlando.  We're due for a dinner at Sweet Tomatoes.  You were such a great manager and friend to me, and I'm blaming all my OCD tendencies on you.  :)

Shelly (Hunny Bunny): Thank you for being my loyal Orlando best friend.  Here's to all the late-night chats, shopping sprees, and sleepovers.  I can't wait to see you when I'm back in town. By the way, I chose the picture below because I felt it best represented our relationship.  Haha!

Hannah: EVERY time I hear "baby are you down," I think of you!  Thank you for being such a great example of overcoming trials and struggles.  Your story is incredible, and who you are today amazes me.

I don't think I'll ever forget this night.  :)

Monica (DPFL!): It was SO fun living with you for 6 months, even if we were both so busy.  I laugh every time I think about the funny conversations we had and how contagious your laugh is.  I am so proud of you for all the accomplishments you made at work and in your life.  I always love to tell people that I had a roommate who was a hot-shot chef.

Doug: I'm never going to forget our how-did-you-meet story.  That just does not happen every day.  It's been so great having fun with you in Orlando and continuing our Disney experience on campus as Campus Reps together.  I'll miss your hugs and the inside-joke smirk we always got when people asked how we knew each other.

To my Disney Campus Rep Teammates over the past few seasons: Thank you!  It's been such a fun a great learning experience, and just to be able to be among fellow Disney addicts was always amazing.

Infinite Synergy

I have 32 days left of my life as a college undergrad.  


Because the clock is ticking louder than ever, it's been difficult to remain calm and trust in God's plan for me.  I've been getting in touch with company contacts and applying for jobs left and right, but there is no solid direction for where I will be after graduation. 


At the beginning of the semester, I gave myself a deadline of July 20 (graduation day) to have a job lined up.  I was determined that this would happen so I wouldn't be another kid who graduates from college and lives at home.  Well, there's one little detail in this thing they call life that I forgot about: my Heavenly Father is in control, and I have to trust in His timing and where He wants me to be.  


If you don't know already, I am slightly ... OK ...very controlling of my life (or so I like to think).  I like to make lists, plan out every minute and know what tomorrow brings.  My focus all semester is doing what I can do to get a job, and I've forgotten to keep Heavenly Father in the picture.  


My current evening read is "Eat, Pray, Love," and I am finding so much of myself in this book that it's scary!  Here's an excerpt I read last night that literally punched me into my pillow and left me stunned.  


Elizabeth is in India at an Ashram (meditation temple?) where she's trying to master meditation.  She can't seem to gain control of her mind, and this is what her friend Richard has to say:

At some point, as Richard keeps telling me, you gotta let go and sit still and allow contentment to come to you. 

Letting go, of course, is a scary enterprise for those of us who believe that the world revolves only because it has a handle on the top of it which we personally turn, and that if we were to drop this handle for even a moment, well – that would be the end of the universe. But try dropping it….Sit quietly for now and cease your relentless participation. Watch what happens. The birds do not crash dead out of the sky in mid-flight, after all. The trees do not wither and die, the rivers do not run red with blood. Life continues to go on…. Why are you so sure that your micromanagement of every moment in this whole world is so essential? Why don’t you let it be? 

I hear this argument and it appeals to me.  I believe in it, intellectually, I really do.  But then I wonder--with all my restless yearning, with all my hyped-up fervor and this stupidly hungry nature of mine--what should I do with my energy instead?  
That answer arrives, too:

Look for God, suggests my Guru.  Look for God like a man with his head on fire looks for water.

That is EXACTLY what I needed to read.  This entire time that I've been trying to control my life, my energy has been going towards something that will not ultimately help me achieve my goals.  I made a commitment last night to take all my anxious, controlling energy and give it to God instead.

To add to my wonderful epiphany, I spent the evening talking to one of my best friends about this idea of controlling our own lives vs. letting God take control. 

Favorite insight of the night: Instead of carrying all the burdens on your shoulders of what you should be doing, share that load with Christ.  He's waiting for you to turn to Him anyway, because He's already paid the price to be by our side.  It's up to us to use the resource.  Rather than asking myself, "What am I going to do about..." I'll ask "What are WE going to do about..."

I like to call this partnership infinite synergy.  My 1 + His infinite power = INFINITY.  Pretty good deal on my side.  :)

Best Days...

The week is DONE!  ... This whole self-inflicted "being-busy-every-second-of-the-day" is exhausting.

What have I been up to... Oh YEAH!

Gateway Seminar Retreat

As I've mentioned before, I am the Area Director of a program on campus called Gateway Seminars.  Students attend these seminars to learn more about the university's mission  and the resources it offers so that students have a good, worthwhile experience.  So I train the leaders and their facilitators that lead these seminars.

A few weekends ago, we had a retreat out in the middle of nowhere at an incredible lodge as a final training session.  Many of the students didn't really know each other, so the 1-hour drive was a little quiet.  But on our way back, the laughter and chatter was contagious.  

Seattle

I went on a trip to the Seattle area with the horticulture dept. at school and had a GREAT experience.  It was a much needed break as well as a great opportunity to network with some companies in the area.

 Beautiful flowers,

 Delicious food, 

 Wonderful reunions, 

And incredible sunsets.  

There are times when I want to pinch myself and see if my life is a dream.  I have no need to be sorry for myself or to ever wish for something better.  When I do start feeling that way, it's because I've forgotten how blessed I am.  

Life is good.  :)

Connecting the dots...

This past week I watched multiple speeches for a public speaking class.  Little did I know how much this would impact me!  I watched two speeches that I will never forget:

Elizabeth Gilbert's speech on genius and creativity completely changed my thinking about creativity.  She talked about the stress that artists, writers, musicians, and the like deal with because of the heavy responsibility they have to create new pieces.  What we all often forget that is that creativity doesn't entirely come from within us but from a Higher Power, an outside source.  Gilbert explained how people recognized strokes of genius in ancient times:

“It was like time would stop, and the dancer would sort of step through some kind of portal and he wasn't doing anything different than he had ever done, 1,000 nights before, but everything would align. And all of a sudden, he would no longer appear to be merely human. He would be lit from within, and lit from below and all lit up on fire with divinity. And when this happened, back then, people knew it for what it was, you know, they called it by it's name. They would put their hands together and they would start to chant, 'Allah, Allah, Allah, God God, God.' That's God, you know.” 

Over time, we have taken that "genius" and told ourselves that it only comes from ourselves when our main source of creativity is from God.  Once you understand that concept, I think creativity and productivity come easier.  It puts less stress on the worker.  

"I think that allowing somebody, one mere person to believe that he or she is like, the vessel you know, like the font and the essence and the source of all divine, creative, unknowable, eternal mystery is just a smidge too much responsibility to put on one fragile, human psyche. It's like asking somebody to swallow the sun."

“Don’t be afraid. Don’t be daunted. Just do your job. Continue to show up for your piece of it whatever that might be. If your job is to dance, do your dance. If the divine cockeyed genius assigned to your case decides to let some sort of wonderment be glimpsed for just one moment through your efforts then Ole. And if not, do your dance anyhow and Ole to you nonetheless. I believe this and I feel like we must teach it. Ole to you nonetheless just for having the sheer human love and stubbornness to keep showing up.”

Steve Jobs' commencement speech at Stanford was another speech I watched that taught me how to live my life.  His thoughts on connecting the dots of the past and not fretting about the future opened my eyes to a new mindset that I know will use from now on.

All of these quotes are so important to me, especially in this time when I am applying for jobs come graduation in July.  I will continue to show up and do my dance, and I will connect the dots of my past will looking forward to more dots in the future that will help me later understand the present circumstances.

Life is GREAT.

Disneyland

Earlier this evening, I went for a walk by myself up to the temple.  The weather was perfect, the sun was setting, and everyone seemed to be outside.  It smelled and felt like SPRING.  I've never experienced this before in my life because I always seem to be in Florida at this time (where spring doesn't exist), and it is by far one of my most favorite feelings.  It seems like everything, including myself, is waking up from the deep sleep of winter.

It's 9:00pm, and it's 70 degrees outside.  A perfect evening.

As for an update on what's been going on...

I spent the week break between semesters in California with friends, and it was just what I needed to reset myself for the new semester.

The group!  Doug, Courtney, and I all work for Disney and had lots of free tickets to share with our friends to play at Disneyland and California Adventure for two days. 

 Stefka's first "turkey" leg, which she swears was ham.  

 World of COLOR!  Definitely needed ponchos, because we were SOAKED by the end of the show with our front row seats.  Best.  Show.  Ever. 

 I have ALWAYS wanted to get M&M's from a giant M&M store, so I did in Vegas. You should have seen how paranoid my friends and I were: "OK, just a little.  JUST  A LITTLE!  STOP!"

 Stekfa got KISSED by Bumble Bee in Vegas!

 Probably one of my favorite pictures from the trip.  Stefka caught a soft shell crab, and in my attempt to get a "cool" picture with it, I freaked out because one of its claws went for my finger.  We never got the picture of me when I looked composed.  This all we got. :)

 As we headed west for the beach, we just barely passed an exit that led to a cemetery.  This cemetery was where my sister, Angela, and brother, Daniel, were buried before I was born.  I don't ever remember going there before we moved to Florida when I was very young, and so there was no way I was going to pass up the opportunity to go see them.  

I don't think I was really prepared for the experience I had.  A lady looked up their locations in a section called Slumberland where only children are buried.  She took me there and nonchalantly pointed out where they were located as the tears started coming to me.  

I knelt down in front of Daniel's gravestone, and just stared at it for a while.  It was real.  He was (and still is) my brother.  I ran my fingers across his name, overwhelmed by many thoughts and emotions.  

Angela's gravestone wasn't too far from Daniel's.  Not quite sure what to say as I stared, I whispered out a "Hi..." and had never felt so close to heaven before in my life.   

 And we found fresh strawberries on the road side.  :)

The damage after 2 minutes.

The Final Countdown

My last semester of college for my undergrad.  


In less than four months, I'll don the cardboard hat, long black "gown," and walk across that stage to reach a destination I've been working on for YEARS.  It's been difficult to keep this final destination in my focus because of all the other things on my list to get done before hand.  But it's definitely  surreal to when I do think about it...

What's happened in my life?  What hasn't happened?!

PLANET Student Career Days:
I spent a week on a trip to compete at Kansas State University with over 800 other horticulture students throughout the country. BYU-Idaho's team of 18 students did so well!  In fact...

BYU-Idaho's Horticulture team is NUMBER 1 in the nation!  

 It was one of the most memorable experiences of my life, not only to beat BYU-Provo, but to be the #1 school out of over 60!  My professors keep the trophy in their sight at all times. :)

There were 28 different competitive events, and I competed in Interior Plant ID as well as Personnel Management.  Here's how I did:

I actually tied for 1st place out of over 80 students!  The only reason why they didn't choose me as 1st was because I missed a variety name, and the other girl misspelled.  Who says the variety name is more important to get right than spelling?!  :)

#4 is not bad at all given that the two of us have never taken an HR class before.  I really enjoyed this event!  The sponsor, Brickman Landscaping was very fun to work with, and this gave many great networking opportunities.

Speaking of networking,  I was able to network with so many potential employers!  I have tons of good job leads, so I'm super excited about where life will lead me in July.

Saturday Morning Ritual and Key Lime Pie

I think I've found that my time to sleep in, blog in my PJs and jam to country music is Saturday mornings.  I like this.  :)

What a WEEK.  I am so grateful it's over.

3 Disney College Program presentations (with over 170 students in attendance), teaching leadership training for Gateway Seminars, preparing for PLANET, which includes getting all my homework done for the next week, grading a ton of papers for Greenhouse Operations, and the list goes on.

I was at wit's end yesterday, fighting back the tears until I crashed at home that night (then it was Niagara Falls in my room).  What did I come home to?  Key lime pie.

A good friend of mine knew that I was having a terrible day, and while I was still on campus, he dropped a key lime pie off at my apartment as a pick-me-up and taste of home with a very thoughtful note.  I'm eating a piece of it at this very moment.  :)

Last night, I thought about how lucky I am to have such caring people in my life who are there for me, and all the bad things that happened this week weren't as bad in my mind.

There's nothing like a good piece of key lime pie in the morning.

What was left of my key lime pie slice after blogging

Good Morning!

What a glorious feeling to not have to wake up to an alarm.  

Here I am, in my PJ's, hair a mess, jamming to some country tunes to get my game on for SOUTHERN NIGHT tonight, and I feel rested for the first time in a very long time!  Thank you, sleep.

Life has been changing so quickly recently.  I was offered the position of Area Director over Gateway Seminars at school (seminars that freshman have to take to help them understand the vision of what the school is about, the learning model we are encouraged to follow, and academic advising to help students with their major and careers), which means that I had to decide whether I would take that job or my TA job with Horticulture.  

That was a really difficult choice to make.  Ultimately, it came down to what would look better on my resume, and so I chose the Area Director position since I already have 5 semesters of TA experience.  It ends up that I got the best of both worlds since I can still take care of all the plant displays and specimens without being a TA who grades papers, sets up quizzes, etc.  

And I just registered for my LAST SEMESTER OF UNDERGRAD CLASSES!  What a relief. 

For now, I'm trying to keep afloat as I prepare for the Horticulture competition that I leave for in a little over a week, have our big Disney College Program presentations this coming week, and get all my homework done!  

All in all, I am blessed, and that's what's I'm choosing to focus on.  

March Madness

What a crazy, busy, insane, wonderful semester.

This is the time in my life where I am now preparing for the transition from school to the workforce - something that I've spent 18 years in school for!  Resumes, business cards, conferences, jobs at school, networking, and competitions are my focus.  I met high-profile PR specialists at a PRSSA (Public Relations Student Society of America) and am looking forward to meeting many people in the Horticulture industry at PLANET in a few weeks.

I keep telling myself to take it one day at a time, but I can't help thinking about where I'm going to be after graduation in July (which is unknown right now, but I can dream about glorious jobs in California, right?).

This semester is flying by.  School, work, teaching academic advising seminars, teaching Gospel Doctrine, playing with friends, etc. has all been a blur!  I've been thinking a lot about how much I miss having more time to pause and reflect, rest, and take care of myself.  I'll confess that I definitely overbooked myself this semester (which as been a common trend), and I am making plans out for next semester so that it doesn't happen.  However, I've been working on my mindset a lot this time around so that it doesn't add to the already-existing stress that comes from all my responsibilities.  And it's amazing how much your mindset/attitude can help you handle things!

In the next 4 months, something GREAT is going to unfold, and I can't wait to find out what Heavenly Father has in store for me.  :)

Sitting still...

I have decided to use my blog for honest, sometimes not-so-positive entries in addition to the good ones. I've come to understand that although it is good to focus on the good things in life, it's important to recognize ALL emotions rather than throw hard things under the rug. Today wasn't the greatest day for anxiety. I caught myself in an irritable mood, thinking negatively, and even had a bout or two of palpitations (mini anxiety attacks in my book). It was hard to develop enough motivation to do anything, and when I did, it wasn't done in the happiest mood. It wasn't a TERRIEBLE day, but I'm going to be grateful when it's over. My pillow is looking pretty inviting right now! Over this semester, anxiety has been discovered to be the root of many of the issues in my life: my perspectives on dating/marriage, physical health, patience levels, emotions, etc. It's been a semester of big changes in my attitude and actions for the better. I accept, though, that there will be bad days along with the good ones. It's weird how anxiety will sometimes flare up for no apparent reason. It doesn't have to be a very stressful day (although that definitely does help bring out the ants in my pants) or a busy one for that matter. There are times wen anxiety overcomes me as I am relaxing in my room or quietly studying at the library. I could have no thoughts that wod provoke anxiety, and my heart starts racing. Granted, there are probably things in my subconscious that aren't helping very much. The bottom line is that today wasn't the best, but tomorrow will be better.

Who Moved My Cheese?

One of my favorite things about Christmas break is FREE TIME.  I always am surprised at how much time there is in a day when you have nothing important to do!  Instead of running from class to the library to work to home, I stayed at home for a majority of the day baking bread, cleaning the house, and pausing to enjoy meals rather than eat and run at the same time. 

In my glorious free time today, I searched the bookshelves in my dad's office for a good read.  Who Moved My Cheese caught my eye.

In a matter of an hour, I read a book that had been recommended to me years ago.  I'd been hesitant to read another "looong self-help book" and had never even looked at it to see that it was less than 100 pages.

It seems that when you read an inspirational book such as this one that you always get something different out of it every time you read it. This has happened to me in Tuesdays with Morrie (about a thousand times) and The Last Lecture (which I, without fail, bawl my eyes out every time I read it).

For my first round in Who Moved My Cheese, this question kept popping up:

What would I do if I weren't afraid?

What WOULD I do if I weren't afraid?  What would happen if I lived my life doing the things I've always been afraid to do?  The book describes how once Haw (a little person... you'll just have to read the book) starts doing things that he used to be afraid of (moving out of his comfort zone, exploring uncertain paths, etc), he began to feel invigorated and much happier. 

Simply changing your mindset makes changing habits and doing new things much easier.  And the sooner the better. 

To write about what?

I want to write, but what about?  How about.....

Surrendering to His plan


It's always been difficult for my stubborn little spirit to allow God to take charge of my life.  I don't like change, and I have a hard time seeing the big picture or trusting in someone who can see it.

However, I've gotten better.


Recently, I had planned out my entire winter and spring semesters for school (my LAST two semesters!).  When I had all my ducks in a row for winter, my world was turned upside down.

This was my plan:
- 16 credits of classes
- Working as a T.A. for a Greenhouse Ops class
- Disney Campus Rep
- Teaching academic advising seminars
- Attending training for Summer Jam (camp for inner city girls in Chicago)

I thought it was perfect, and as soon as I had everything in order, one of my professors pulled me into his office and invited me to be on BYU-Idaho's team for the PLANET competition in March.  WHAT?!  I'm not even a design/build student!  Well, it's a pretty awesome honor to be invited, and I immediately felt SO good about it.  What did that mean?  I had to change up my plan since training for the competition would take a lot of time.

New plan:
- 14ish credits (different classes)
- Still a T.A.
- Still Disney Campus Rep
- Turned down teaching academic advising seminars
- Turned down Summer Jam (that was hard)
- Lots and lots of memorizing hundreds of plants and studying Personnel Management for PLANET

I was talking to a friend about this, and he had a great way of looking at it.  Instead of thinking that our plan was a "good try" and Heavenly Father fixes it, he recommended thinking that since we took the initiative to make plans and move forward with them, God blesses us with a better plan.

I like that.

yoyo's at 1am

It seems every night this week there has been something that prevents me from getting to bed on time.  Last night was probably my favorite.

I found two yoyo's my mom had sent me in a package, and they LIGHT UP when you play with them!  So what did Kristin and I do at 1am?  We turned the lights off and yoyo'ed away.

It's moments like these when I am so grateful for the simplicities of life.  

It's just safer this way...

On my way home today, I had a little chat with Heavenly Father.

One thing that I try to avoid at all costs is the cold weather.  I will spend extra time walking through a warm building if that means less time outside, and yes, I will jaywalk if that means a straight shot to my apartment.

As I was walking home (through a building), I had the choice between walking a few extra feet to a crosswalk and jaywalking across for a quicker route.  The thought came to my head:


Just use the crosswalk.
I responded, but jaywalking isn't illegal in the city of Rexburg as long as a car doesn't have to yield to me.
Sure, you won't be breaking the law, but the crosswalk is safer.  


The lesson I learned from this little conversation with God is that there are times when we think we can do something our way and be careful about not getting hit by figurative cars since the crosswalk would add a few extra steps to your journey.

But it's always safer to just take the crosswalk.  

In Closing... Wait. The semester's almost over?!

It's about time for a new post and renewed commitment to my blog.  It's been months!

I can't believe that there's only 3 weeks left in the semester, but simultaneously I don't understand how so much could have happened in such a short amount of time.  From school and my future career to improving myself and learning invaluable life lessons, my heart is full of gratitude for everything the Lord has put in my life.

School:
This has been an incredibly easy semester of school, and God knew I needed it; these past fall and winter semesters kicked my trash.  However, it has been a defining time in my schooling since I started communications classes for my minor (public relations) and love them.
I also submitted my grad plan to the school and will be graduating in JULY!  I can't believe how real the light at the end of the tunnel is.  I'll be staying at school for three semesters in a row, but this is what will be best.  I've felt that it's time to move on to other places and experiences that are waiting for me.  Speaking of which...

Future Career:
There is no definite location, company, or specific career that I am pursuing as of yet, and unbelievably, I am OK with that!  There is no anxiety or stress in my heart about it because of my preparation during school (internships, jobs, classes, good grades, etc).
I am unsure if I'll end up in the Horticulture industry, too.  I know, I know, most of you are probably having a heart attack right now, but this is my thought process.  I don't want to limit myself to JUST horticulture jobs when there are so many things I could do.  However, Horticulture will ALWAYS be a part of my life.  Oh yes. My little kids will be calling maple trees Acers, and I'll be playing outside with my kids in the dirt all the time, teaching them about the Krebs Cycle and propagation.  It won't be a surprise if my yard turns into a giant garden (please refer to the "My Big Dream" section of this post).
The big news for future careers is that I've been asked to compete in the PLANET Student Career Days Horticulture competition in March!  I never thought I would go, but my professors thought otherwise.  My life will be dedicated to memorizing close to 400 plants and every single little identification detail about them.  The best part is that this is THE place for horticulture networking, and I'm going just months before graduation!

Improving Myself/Invaluable Life Lessons:
Things have changed.  I'm no longer the person I used to be.  Everyday I change; some days it goes by unnoticed while other days feel so overwhelming by all the changes in my circumstances and mindset.  It's been wonderful.  I have become so appreciative of uncomfortable, often painful change.

Here are a few points I've written down over the semester that have helped me:


You are a solution to the world's problems.

God will never put a stop to our progression.  Only WE can do that when we choose to quit.

"Hope alone will not help us succeed.  True hope leads us to do the things necessary to obtain the blessings we hope for." Steven E. Snow

Mosiah 4:16-19 - Are we not all beggars?

In order to see the view, we must make the climb.

Love is spelled T-I-M-E.

Don't focus on the heartache and failures as sad memories but rather stepping stones that helped you get to where you are today. 

Your attitude on how you view the future will have a HUGE impact on what happens.  If you look forward to a great future, it will be great.  If you plan on something failing, it probably will.  

This does NOT feel like opening presents at Christmas!

Tonight, I had the unfortunate task of opening the sealed plastic bathroom cups that each had a different bug inside that I caught in Florida before school started for a class project.  It was NOT fun.  I wasn't smart enough to label them, so I had a mini heart attack each time I opened one to find out what was inside.  One did not have anything in it.  Crap.  Where did it go?!

This is Satan the Mole Cricket.

And this is Goliath, the Wolf Spider.  GROSS.

HOPE

A few days ago, I read a talk called "Hope" by Steven E. Snow that gave me a greater understanding of what hope is and what it can do for me.

"Hope is an emotion which brings richness to our everyday lives....[it] brings a certain calming influence to our lives as we confidently look forward to future events."


I love that.

I had a lot of anxiety this past week with all the changes, turning a new leaf over, and uncertainty that's been weighing me down.  This article reminded me how hope can bring us peace and calm that we need.

Something else that I have been focusing on a lot this week is being able to recognize and listen to the Spirit.  I've been feeling pretty lost for the past month, but the one thing I know for a surety is how my faith can give me the guidance I need through personal revelation.  I heard a really awesome idea at church:

If you want to hear the still, small voice, then YOU have to be still and small.

Tuesdays with Morrie

After cleaning out all my "stuff" at home and consolidating my belongings into a few boxes I will leave behind while finishing school in Rexburg (3 more semesters!!!), I discovered that I had a copy of one of my favorite books: Tuesdays with Morrie.   

Anyway, I read it again (for the bazillionth time) and have a renewed sense of what is important in life.  For those of you who haven't read it, Mitch, a former student of Morrie Schwartz (a sociology professor), wrote this book as a "final thesis" after his last "class" with Morrie.  Morrie spent the last years of his life suffering from Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, (ALS), and Mitch visited him every Tuesday, listening to Morrie's philosophies on death and living.  Funny enough, the book on dying truly teaches you how to live.  As Morrie repeatedly states in this book, "once you learn how to die, you learn how to live."

Here are some quotes from the book that I love:

"Dying," Morrie suddenly said, "is the only one thing to be sad over, Mitch.  Living unhappily is something else.  So many of the people who come to visit me are unhappy."

Why?

"Well, for one thing, the culture we have does not make people feel good about themselves.   We're teaching the wrong things.  And you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn't work, don't buy it.  Create your own..."

"Life is a series of pulls back and forth.  You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else.  Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't.  You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted. 

"A tension of the opposites, like a pull on a rubber band.  And most of us live somewhere in the middle."

Sounds like a wrestling match, I say.

"A wrestling match." He laughs.  "Yes, you could described life that way."

So which side wins, I ask?

He smiles at me, the crinkled eyes, the crooked teeth.

"Love wins.  Love always wins."

"So many people walk around with a meaningless life  They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy doing things they think are important.  This is because they're chasing the wrong things.  

The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that give you purpose and meaning."

"The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love and to let it come in."

His voice dropped to a whisper.  "Let it come in.  We think we don't deserve love, we think if we let it in, we'll become too soft.  But a wise man named Levine said it right.  He said 'Love is the only rational act.'"

"I give myself a good cry if I need it.  But then I concentrate on all the good things still in my life.... I don't allow myself any more self-pity than that.  A little each morning, a few tears, and that's all."

After a girl in class fearlessly falls back with her eyes closed to have another classmate catch her, this is what Morrie had to say:

"You see," he says to the girl, "you closed your eyes.  That was the difference.  Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel.  And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too--even when you're in the dark.  Even when you're falling."

"Mitch," he said, "the culture doesn't encourage you to think about such things until you're about to die.  We're so wrapped up with egotistical things, career, family, having enough money, meeting the mortgage, getting a new car, fixing the radiator when it breaks--we're involved in trillions of little acts just to keep going.  So we don't get into the habit of standing back and looking at our lives and saying, Is this all?  Is this all I want? Is something missing?" 

He paused.

"You need someone to probe you in that direction.  It won't just happen automatically."

I knew what he was saying.  We all need teachers in our lives.

"A teacher affects eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops." - Henry Adams

"The fact is, there is no foundation, no secure ground, upon which people may stand today if it isn't the family. It's become quite clear to me as I've been sick.  If you don't have the support and love and caring and concern you get from a family, you don't have much at all.  Love is so supremely important.  As our great poet Auden said, 'Love each other or perish....' Without love, we are birds with broken wings."

"There is no experience like having children.  That's all.  There's no substitute for it.  You cannot do with with a friend.  You cannot do it with a lover.  If you want the experience of having complete responsibility for another human being, and to learn how to love and bond in the deepest way, then you should have children."

"You know what the Buddhists say? Don't cling to things, because everything is impermanent."

But wait, I said.  Aren't you always talking about experiencing life?  All the good emotions, all the bad ones?

"Yes."

Well, how can you do that if you're detached?

"Ah, You're thinking, Mitch.  But detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you.  On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully.  That's how you are able to leave it."

I'm lost.

"Take any emotion--love for a woman, or grief for a loved one, or what I'm going through, fear and pain from a deadly illness.  If you hold back on the emotions--if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them--you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid.  You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief.  You're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails.
"But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely.  You know what pain is.  You know what love is.  You know what grief is.  And only then can you say, 'All right.  I have experienced that emotion.  I recognize that emotion.  Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment."

I thought about how often this was needed in everyday life.  How we feel lonely, sometimes to the point of tears, but we don't let those tears come because we are not supposed to cry.  Or how we feel a surge of love for a partner but we don't say anything because we're frozen with the fear of what those words might do to the relationship.
Morrie's approach was exactly the opposite.  Turn on the faucet.  Wash yourself with emotion.  It won't hurt you.  It will only help.  If you let the fear inside, if you pull it on like a familiar shirt, then you can say to yourself, "All right, it's just fear, I don't have to let it control me.  I see it for what it is."
Same for lonliness: you let go, let the tears flow, feel it completely--but eventually, be able to say, "All, right, that was my moment with loneliness.  I'm not afraid of feeling lonely, but now I'm going to put that loneliness aside and know that there are other emotions in the world, and I'm going to experience them as well."
"Detach," Morrie said again.

"...It is impossible for the old not to envy the young.  But the issue is to accept who you are and revel in that.  This is your time to be in  your thirties.  I had my time to be in my thirties, and now is my time to be seventy-eight.
"You have to find what's good and true and beautiful in your life as it is now.  Looking back makes you competitive.  And, age is not a competitive issue."

"Status will get you nowhere.  Only an open heart will allow you to float equally between everyone."

"In the beginning of life, when we are infants, we need others to survive, right?  And at the end of life, when you get like me, you need others to survive, right?"
His voice dropped to a whisper.
"But here's the secret: in between, we need others as well."

"That's what we're all looking for.  A certain peace with the idea of dying.  If we know, in the end, that we can ultimately have that peace with dying, then we can finally do the really hard thing."
Which is?
"Make peace with living."

"Death ends a life, not a relationship."

"In business, people negotiate to win.  They negotiate to get what they want.  Maybe you're too used to that.  Love is different.  Love is when you are as concerned about someone else's situation as you are about your own."


So there you have it!  Some (just some!) of my favorite quotes from this book.  This time around, I learned a great deal about how to soak in emotions instead of keeping them "under wraps" as well as how important each day is.  I want to get into the habit of visualizing my days as Ghandi does: when you sleep, you die.  When you wake up, you are reborn.  I want to feel reborn every day, to turn over a new leaf, get my head out of the past, and look forward to the bright day ahead of me.