One of the reasons I think I'm struggling to find a subject tonight is the fact that my mind is WAY overloaded. It's not uncommon for me to go through waves of a packed schedule and living life with a constant sense of urgency, then to break down, run out of gas and end up needing a jump start... maybe some oil, a tune up... New tires. Just replace my whole engine while you're at it.
It's something I have yet to master: living a productive but balanced life. When do I stop and take a break? How do I know that I've done enough? Why can't I let go of control and realize that the world will keep turning if I don't do every single thing it asks of me?
Soon enough, I find myself with anxiety set off by something stressful, and before you know it, I'm digressing to a meltdown. A reset. A start-over moment.
Don't get me wrong: they are productive and good moments to have! It's good to turn a new leaf over and start with a fresh page. But gosh darn it, do I have to get to a point where I think the world's coming to an end to start over?!
No, no I don't. My logical mind knows that. But my anxious mind doesn't. That, my friends, is the holy grail I am searching for: how to take a deep breath, let go of control, and have a do-over without having a the-world's-over moment.
There was an amazing devotional broadcast from my church for young adults last night, and it was all about living your life with real intent. Watch it! (Click here) This talk made me stop and think: living with real intent means doing good things for the right reasons. And for me, I am not very good at having the best intentions all the time.
Why do I say that? Because I have to work on TRUST. It has been one of the hardest concepts for me to grasp; from dating (nope, I'm not going there tonight) to delegation. I just don't trust people very easily, and I'm sad to say that I forget to trust God too often. I think I can do everything on my own because He asked me to do them.
What I forget is that EVERYTHING I do should always be a team effort with Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ. If I am doing anything thinking that it's all my doing, I've got the wrong idea. Every single talent, opportunity, ability that I have comes from Heavenly Father. I owe my all to Him. And He most certainly should have all of my trust.
I guess I found my subject for tonight... Trust. It will calm my anxiety and help me lean on my Heavenly Father for the peace and perspective that will prevent me from spiraling down to an anxious mindset.
From one of my favorite hymns:
Trusting my all to thy tender care,
And knowing thou lovest me,
I'll do thy will with a heart sincere,
I'll be what you want me to be.
- I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go
And a scripture I was sent from one of my best friends last night:
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and He shall direct thy paths. - Proverbs, 3:5