My Life of (Somewhat) Solitude

The other day, I realized that I was acting somewhat like a monk this summer...

After a hellish winter semester of long days in the Benson building doing homework, stressing about getting everything done, and having NO time to relax, I promised myself that this was going to be the summer that I change and detox from the fast-paced lifestyle.  For my health (in all aspects, not just physical!), I knew I had to lessen the amount of stress and increase the amount of relaxation.

When I moved to Denver, I made sure not to fill every single day with tons of items on my daily agenda.  What I DID fill my agenda with is lots and lots of down time.  I don't accept all the offers to go out, and I don't seek for them as often as I had before.  Although I'm sure I'm missing out on opportunities to develop new friendships, I had to weigh out my options, and my sanity is probably a good thing to save.

This summer has been hard to adjust to, but I am FINALLY able to enjoy things like curling up on the couch with a blanket and good book (which is something I've wanted to do for a loooong time).  My stress levels are low, and my health is GREAT.  My goal for the rest of the summer is to stick with it and make this lifestyle change permanent.  I know it will be SO difficult to carry this into school life, but I have to if I want to be healthy and happy.

Thank you, Denver, for the chance to make positive changes in my life.

Soup, meds, and cough drops. AND JOSH GROBAN!

One of my LEAST favorite things in the whole wide world is being sick.  But I can at least use the experience to REALLY appreciate when I'm not sick.  :)  I had to miss a field trip to DBG's research center in Eagle County, but at least I got to sleep!

And once again, in case you were wondering, Josh Groban is going ON TOUR!!  And I just can't justify buying tickets.  I swear, one day, I'm gonna go, and I'm going to have awesome seats.  Yes, the tickets are pretty dang cheap (like $30 a person which is WAY cheap for Josh, thank you student discount), but I'll have to wait for the right time in my life when I actually have money to spare to go to his concert.  And I have told myself before that I need to be married to someone before I go, or else I will involuntarily run up to the stage and propose to that man.  I did have a dream once that I went to his concert, and got to MEET HIM.  The only thing that stunk was that for some unknown reason, he was sulking the whole time I was hanging out with him outside the venue.  Oh, Josh.  If only I knew how to comfort you!

One of my favorite "old-school" photos of Josh.  Of course I don't have 

a folder dedicated to collected photos of Josh on my computer... 

Our Deepest Fear...

I went to church today, and the best way to describe how I feel is that "my cup runneth over."

There is a very famous quote from Nelson Mandela that I had heard bits and pieces from before. After taking the time to read it with my heart open, I have been touched.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. 

 And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Fear is a very common weakness among society, and it only holds us back from achieving our potential.   Letting our light shine isn't just for us and God; it's for those around us that are afraid to do the same.  Once we have the courage to shine and do so, others obtain that same confidence and step out of their rut of hiding in the shadows.

1/3 of the way done already?!

At work this week, someone reminded me that I'm a THIRD of the way through this internship.  Where the HECK did those 4 weeks go?!

Anyway, first off, I want to tell you about something that happened this past week.  I haven't been feeling well (I think it's allergies), and yard work didn't look appealing.  Instead, I decided to water the plants really quick and call it a day.  After stepping outside (barefoot and cellphone-less, might I add), I realized that the mudroom door had closed behind me... And it automatically locks... And I didn't have my keys... AND Tamar was out of town on business for another week.  2 1/2 hours later, and 5 bazillion phone calls later (and after waking up the next-door tenant to have her help me get in touch with Tamar), a plumber that lives 30 minutes away came to save my butt.  The butt saving became mutual, because he had left a paint trail from the door to where he left the paint stick the other day... I told him I'd clean that up for him.  Lesson learned: NEVER leave the house without your keys! You usually learn that lesson once and never learn it again.

Secondly, I want to proclaim that I LOVE OLD PEOPLE!!!  They are the greatest people to talk to about their lives.  They have SO many fun stories and a keen sense of looking at life simply.  I went to a church dinner and started up a conversation with Bob who must have been at least 85+ years old.  He's a very old, small, sweet gentleman who was keeping to himself the entire night.  After chatting with Dorothy (another one of my geriatric friends, as Tamar likes to call them), I sat next to Bob and heard his life story.  It was awesome!  He was drafted into the military before he was even out of high school and was a part of WWII.  Long story short, he transferred from the Army to the Air Force and became a teacher for a class he took and did well in.

He retired from the service after 9 1/2 years and tried to find work.  We talked about how hard it is for military veterans to find work, and many resort to alcoholism to deal with the trauma they experienced.  It's true.  I've seen it recently, and talking to Bob helped me understand that 1) Being in the service is a HUGE sacrifice, and all come back home scarred and hurt. And 2) The gospel can be a great blessing in this situation.  Turning to Christ rather than alcohol is a much better alternative.

Hmmmm...

Well, I WAS going to make homemade bread tonight, but due to the fact that I just chopped off a chunk of skin from my thumb, I'll probably have to wait a week or two.  :(  Instead, I have a desire to blog, but nothing is really coming to mind...

OK, I found something!  Instead of making bread, I made peanut butter cookies.  Those don't require any kneading.  As I was making the cookies, I automatically searched for a fork to make the criss-cross pattern on each cookie.  I stopped for a moment, and thought why the HECK do we do that?!  And only on peanut butter cookies! After a little bit of research, I found that some claim peanut butter cookies, unlike other cookies that are much lighter, need to be squished down in order to get the flat cookie shape.  Others say it's just tradition.  I'm going with the tradition idea, because when I tried to put them in the oven without the blessed fork squish, I just couldn't do it.

5 cookies and 1 cup of milk later, I'm ready for bed.

Stop This Train...

I woke up yesterday morning on the wrong side of the bed (figuratively speaking, that is).  I was tired, and for some reason, I felt defeated.  My body and spirit wanted to stay in bed and mope.  Life's so hard.  I just wish that it could be easier.  I didn't want to deal with opposition of any sort.  I sulked around at work and felt so... cloudy, as if I was in a daze.  I smashed my finger moving a plant cart because I was off in some other world.  Thankfully, eating lunch at an Indian buffet made me feel better and snap out of it.  


As I was listening to my iPod today, I heard a song I've heard about 100 times, but I finally GOT IT.  I actually paid attention to the lyrics, and it was just what I needed to hear.  

Stop This Train
John Mayer


No I'm not color blind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind but...
I just can't sleep on this tonight
Stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly won't someone stop this train

Don't know how else to say it, don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own

Stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't but honestly won't someone stop this train

So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game to find away to say that life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said help me understand
He said turn 68, you'll renegotiate
Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
Don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train

See once in a while when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark.

Singing stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take this speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train

Focusing on the positive...

Two more great lesson from my best friend and worst enemy.  Darn it seeds!

Lesson #1: 
Slow down.  

Cleaning seed manually without any machines can be very labor intensive and time consuming.  Today, I was given some nemastylis geminiflora to clean.  Each seed pod had to be opened carefully by hand, so it took a while.  BUT, I learned that as I was forced to sit down and do something that was slow and time consuming, I had time to think.

Lesson #2: 
Don't focus on what you didn't accomplish in the day, but rather focus on what you DID accomplish.  

I can easily become overwhelmed when I look at the big picture and realize how much I need to do, and all I'm thinking about it was I didn't get done.  I was using a blow dryer and sifter to get all the chaff separated from the seed, and I was focusing on this one piece that I could NOT get to blow away.  As I focused on that one piece that wouldn't move, TONS of other pieces were flying out of the sifter.

Your inbox will ALWAYS be full, so you'd better get used to it.  Don't expect to get to the bottom of the piles of "to-do's," but rather take a step back frequently to see how many papers are in your "done" pile.

I'm tired.  Good night!

Seeds, seeds, and more seeds.

I spent the entire day cleaning seed, organizing seed, and separating seed.  Gee whiz!  BUT, I learned an important lesson.  

As I was cleaning aster seed (which is a HUGE pain in the butt), it was initially very difficult for me to decipher between what was the seed and what was what they call chaff (inert material that once surrounded the seed).  Then I realized that many of the so-called good seeds I picked out were actually undeveloped and therefore deemed bad seed.  Slowly but surely, with the help of a nifty magnifying lamp and a little encouragement/advice from my supervisor, I started to understand what good seed looked like.  

As I was squinting at these TINY seeds, separating them from the chaff, I thought to myself, you know, learning how to separate good seed is a lot like life...  Kind of a Forrest Gump moment.  

It takes a while to learn understand what our purposes are, but once we realize that this process is a lot like finding good seed, we relax.  Initially, it's a hard process, and we feel lost and uninformed.  Over time, however, with the help of various "tools" and "supervisors," we start to figure it out, and soon enough, we can easily tell what our "good seed" is.  When you look back at yourself in the beginning and see how well you were able to focus on your purpose and clear out the chaff over time, you feel a sense of accomplishment.  

And that's what I learned at work today.