Sitting still...

I have decided to use my blog for honest, sometimes not-so-positive entries in addition to the good ones. I've come to understand that although it is good to focus on the good things in life, it's important to recognize ALL emotions rather than throw hard things under the rug. Today wasn't the greatest day for anxiety. I caught myself in an irritable mood, thinking negatively, and even had a bout or two of palpitations (mini anxiety attacks in my book). It was hard to develop enough motivation to do anything, and when I did, it wasn't done in the happiest mood. It wasn't a TERRIEBLE day, but I'm going to be grateful when it's over. My pillow is looking pretty inviting right now! Over this semester, anxiety has been discovered to be the root of many of the issues in my life: my perspectives on dating/marriage, physical health, patience levels, emotions, etc. It's been a semester of big changes in my attitude and actions for the better. I accept, though, that there will be bad days along with the good ones. It's weird how anxiety will sometimes flare up for no apparent reason. It doesn't have to be a very stressful day (although that definitely does help bring out the ants in my pants) or a busy one for that matter. There are times wen anxiety overcomes me as I am relaxing in my room or quietly studying at the library. I could have no thoughts that wod provoke anxiety, and my heart starts racing. Granted, there are probably things in my subconscious that aren't helping very much. The bottom line is that today wasn't the best, but tomorrow will be better.

Who Moved My Cheese?

One of my favorite things about Christmas break is FREE TIME.  I always am surprised at how much time there is in a day when you have nothing important to do!  Instead of running from class to the library to work to home, I stayed at home for a majority of the day baking bread, cleaning the house, and pausing to enjoy meals rather than eat and run at the same time. 

In my glorious free time today, I searched the bookshelves in my dad's office for a good read.  Who Moved My Cheese caught my eye.

In a matter of an hour, I read a book that had been recommended to me years ago.  I'd been hesitant to read another "looong self-help book" and had never even looked at it to see that it was less than 100 pages.

It seems that when you read an inspirational book such as this one that you always get something different out of it every time you read it. This has happened to me in Tuesdays with Morrie (about a thousand times) and The Last Lecture (which I, without fail, bawl my eyes out every time I read it).

For my first round in Who Moved My Cheese, this question kept popping up:

What would I do if I weren't afraid?

What WOULD I do if I weren't afraid?  What would happen if I lived my life doing the things I've always been afraid to do?  The book describes how once Haw (a little person... you'll just have to read the book) starts doing things that he used to be afraid of (moving out of his comfort zone, exploring uncertain paths, etc), he began to feel invigorated and much happier. 

Simply changing your mindset makes changing habits and doing new things much easier.  And the sooner the better. 

To write about what?

I want to write, but what about?  How about.....

Surrendering to His plan


It's always been difficult for my stubborn little spirit to allow God to take charge of my life.  I don't like change, and I have a hard time seeing the big picture or trusting in someone who can see it.

However, I've gotten better.


Recently, I had planned out my entire winter and spring semesters for school (my LAST two semesters!).  When I had all my ducks in a row for winter, my world was turned upside down.

This was my plan:
- 16 credits of classes
- Working as a T.A. for a Greenhouse Ops class
- Disney Campus Rep
- Teaching academic advising seminars
- Attending training for Summer Jam (camp for inner city girls in Chicago)

I thought it was perfect, and as soon as I had everything in order, one of my professors pulled me into his office and invited me to be on BYU-Idaho's team for the PLANET competition in March.  WHAT?!  I'm not even a design/build student!  Well, it's a pretty awesome honor to be invited, and I immediately felt SO good about it.  What did that mean?  I had to change up my plan since training for the competition would take a lot of time.

New plan:
- 14ish credits (different classes)
- Still a T.A.
- Still Disney Campus Rep
- Turned down teaching academic advising seminars
- Turned down Summer Jam (that was hard)
- Lots and lots of memorizing hundreds of plants and studying Personnel Management for PLANET

I was talking to a friend about this, and he had a great way of looking at it.  Instead of thinking that our plan was a "good try" and Heavenly Father fixes it, he recommended thinking that since we took the initiative to make plans and move forward with them, God blesses us with a better plan.

I like that.

yoyo's at 1am

It seems every night this week there has been something that prevents me from getting to bed on time.  Last night was probably my favorite.

I found two yoyo's my mom had sent me in a package, and they LIGHT UP when you play with them!  So what did Kristin and I do at 1am?  We turned the lights off and yoyo'ed away.

It's moments like these when I am so grateful for the simplicities of life.  

It's just safer this way...

On my way home today, I had a little chat with Heavenly Father.

One thing that I try to avoid at all costs is the cold weather.  I will spend extra time walking through a warm building if that means less time outside, and yes, I will jaywalk if that means a straight shot to my apartment.

As I was walking home (through a building), I had the choice between walking a few extra feet to a crosswalk and jaywalking across for a quicker route.  The thought came to my head:


Just use the crosswalk.
I responded, but jaywalking isn't illegal in the city of Rexburg as long as a car doesn't have to yield to me.
Sure, you won't be breaking the law, but the crosswalk is safer.  


The lesson I learned from this little conversation with God is that there are times when we think we can do something our way and be careful about not getting hit by figurative cars since the crosswalk would add a few extra steps to your journey.

But it's always safer to just take the crosswalk.  

In Closing... Wait. The semester's almost over?!

It's about time for a new post and renewed commitment to my blog.  It's been months!

I can't believe that there's only 3 weeks left in the semester, but simultaneously I don't understand how so much could have happened in such a short amount of time.  From school and my future career to improving myself and learning invaluable life lessons, my heart is full of gratitude for everything the Lord has put in my life.

School:
This has been an incredibly easy semester of school, and God knew I needed it; these past fall and winter semesters kicked my trash.  However, it has been a defining time in my schooling since I started communications classes for my minor (public relations) and love them.
I also submitted my grad plan to the school and will be graduating in JULY!  I can't believe how real the light at the end of the tunnel is.  I'll be staying at school for three semesters in a row, but this is what will be best.  I've felt that it's time to move on to other places and experiences that are waiting for me.  Speaking of which...

Future Career:
There is no definite location, company, or specific career that I am pursuing as of yet, and unbelievably, I am OK with that!  There is no anxiety or stress in my heart about it because of my preparation during school (internships, jobs, classes, good grades, etc).
I am unsure if I'll end up in the Horticulture industry, too.  I know, I know, most of you are probably having a heart attack right now, but this is my thought process.  I don't want to limit myself to JUST horticulture jobs when there are so many things I could do.  However, Horticulture will ALWAYS be a part of my life.  Oh yes. My little kids will be calling maple trees Acers, and I'll be playing outside with my kids in the dirt all the time, teaching them about the Krebs Cycle and propagation.  It won't be a surprise if my yard turns into a giant garden (please refer to the "My Big Dream" section of this post).
The big news for future careers is that I've been asked to compete in the PLANET Student Career Days Horticulture competition in March!  I never thought I would go, but my professors thought otherwise.  My life will be dedicated to memorizing close to 400 plants and every single little identification detail about them.  The best part is that this is THE place for horticulture networking, and I'm going just months before graduation!

Improving Myself/Invaluable Life Lessons:
Things have changed.  I'm no longer the person I used to be.  Everyday I change; some days it goes by unnoticed while other days feel so overwhelming by all the changes in my circumstances and mindset.  It's been wonderful.  I have become so appreciative of uncomfortable, often painful change.

Here are a few points I've written down over the semester that have helped me:


You are a solution to the world's problems.

God will never put a stop to our progression.  Only WE can do that when we choose to quit.

"Hope alone will not help us succeed.  True hope leads us to do the things necessary to obtain the blessings we hope for." Steven E. Snow

Mosiah 4:16-19 - Are we not all beggars?

In order to see the view, we must make the climb.

Love is spelled T-I-M-E.

Don't focus on the heartache and failures as sad memories but rather stepping stones that helped you get to where you are today. 

Your attitude on how you view the future will have a HUGE impact on what happens.  If you look forward to a great future, it will be great.  If you plan on something failing, it probably will.  

This does NOT feel like opening presents at Christmas!

Tonight, I had the unfortunate task of opening the sealed plastic bathroom cups that each had a different bug inside that I caught in Florida before school started for a class project.  It was NOT fun.  I wasn't smart enough to label them, so I had a mini heart attack each time I opened one to find out what was inside.  One did not have anything in it.  Crap.  Where did it go?!

This is Satan the Mole Cricket.

And this is Goliath, the Wolf Spider.  GROSS.

HOPE

A few days ago, I read a talk called "Hope" by Steven E. Snow that gave me a greater understanding of what hope is and what it can do for me.

"Hope is an emotion which brings richness to our everyday lives....[it] brings a certain calming influence to our lives as we confidently look forward to future events."


I love that.

I had a lot of anxiety this past week with all the changes, turning a new leaf over, and uncertainty that's been weighing me down.  This article reminded me how hope can bring us peace and calm that we need.

Something else that I have been focusing on a lot this week is being able to recognize and listen to the Spirit.  I've been feeling pretty lost for the past month, but the one thing I know for a surety is how my faith can give me the guidance I need through personal revelation.  I heard a really awesome idea at church:

If you want to hear the still, small voice, then YOU have to be still and small.

Tuesdays with Morrie

After cleaning out all my "stuff" at home and consolidating my belongings into a few boxes I will leave behind while finishing school in Rexburg (3 more semesters!!!), I discovered that I had a copy of one of my favorite books: Tuesdays with Morrie.   

Anyway, I read it again (for the bazillionth time) and have a renewed sense of what is important in life.  For those of you who haven't read it, Mitch, a former student of Morrie Schwartz (a sociology professor), wrote this book as a "final thesis" after his last "class" with Morrie.  Morrie spent the last years of his life suffering from Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, (ALS), and Mitch visited him every Tuesday, listening to Morrie's philosophies on death and living.  Funny enough, the book on dying truly teaches you how to live.  As Morrie repeatedly states in this book, "once you learn how to die, you learn how to live."

Here are some quotes from the book that I love:

"Dying," Morrie suddenly said, "is the only one thing to be sad over, Mitch.  Living unhappily is something else.  So many of the people who come to visit me are unhappy."

Why?

"Well, for one thing, the culture we have does not make people feel good about themselves.   We're teaching the wrong things.  And you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn't work, don't buy it.  Create your own..."

"Life is a series of pulls back and forth.  You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else.  Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't.  You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted. 

"A tension of the opposites, like a pull on a rubber band.  And most of us live somewhere in the middle."

Sounds like a wrestling match, I say.

"A wrestling match." He laughs.  "Yes, you could described life that way."

So which side wins, I ask?

He smiles at me, the crinkled eyes, the crooked teeth.

"Love wins.  Love always wins."

"So many people walk around with a meaningless life  They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy doing things they think are important.  This is because they're chasing the wrong things.  

The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that give you purpose and meaning."

"The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love and to let it come in."

His voice dropped to a whisper.  "Let it come in.  We think we don't deserve love, we think if we let it in, we'll become too soft.  But a wise man named Levine said it right.  He said 'Love is the only rational act.'"

"I give myself a good cry if I need it.  But then I concentrate on all the good things still in my life.... I don't allow myself any more self-pity than that.  A little each morning, a few tears, and that's all."

After a girl in class fearlessly falls back with her eyes closed to have another classmate catch her, this is what Morrie had to say:

"You see," he says to the girl, "you closed your eyes.  That was the difference.  Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel.  And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too--even when you're in the dark.  Even when you're falling."

"Mitch," he said, "the culture doesn't encourage you to think about such things until you're about to die.  We're so wrapped up with egotistical things, career, family, having enough money, meeting the mortgage, getting a new car, fixing the radiator when it breaks--we're involved in trillions of little acts just to keep going.  So we don't get into the habit of standing back and looking at our lives and saying, Is this all?  Is this all I want? Is something missing?" 

He paused.

"You need someone to probe you in that direction.  It won't just happen automatically."

I knew what he was saying.  We all need teachers in our lives.

"A teacher affects eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops." - Henry Adams

"The fact is, there is no foundation, no secure ground, upon which people may stand today if it isn't the family. It's become quite clear to me as I've been sick.  If you don't have the support and love and caring and concern you get from a family, you don't have much at all.  Love is so supremely important.  As our great poet Auden said, 'Love each other or perish....' Without love, we are birds with broken wings."

"There is no experience like having children.  That's all.  There's no substitute for it.  You cannot do with with a friend.  You cannot do it with a lover.  If you want the experience of having complete responsibility for another human being, and to learn how to love and bond in the deepest way, then you should have children."

"You know what the Buddhists say? Don't cling to things, because everything is impermanent."

But wait, I said.  Aren't you always talking about experiencing life?  All the good emotions, all the bad ones?

"Yes."

Well, how can you do that if you're detached?

"Ah, You're thinking, Mitch.  But detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you.  On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully.  That's how you are able to leave it."

I'm lost.

"Take any emotion--love for a woman, or grief for a loved one, or what I'm going through, fear and pain from a deadly illness.  If you hold back on the emotions--if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them--you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid.  You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief.  You're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails.
"But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely.  You know what pain is.  You know what love is.  You know what grief is.  And only then can you say, 'All right.  I have experienced that emotion.  I recognize that emotion.  Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment."

I thought about how often this was needed in everyday life.  How we feel lonely, sometimes to the point of tears, but we don't let those tears come because we are not supposed to cry.  Or how we feel a surge of love for a partner but we don't say anything because we're frozen with the fear of what those words might do to the relationship.
Morrie's approach was exactly the opposite.  Turn on the faucet.  Wash yourself with emotion.  It won't hurt you.  It will only help.  If you let the fear inside, if you pull it on like a familiar shirt, then you can say to yourself, "All right, it's just fear, I don't have to let it control me.  I see it for what it is."
Same for lonliness: you let go, let the tears flow, feel it completely--but eventually, be able to say, "All, right, that was my moment with loneliness.  I'm not afraid of feeling lonely, but now I'm going to put that loneliness aside and know that there are other emotions in the world, and I'm going to experience them as well."
"Detach," Morrie said again.

"...It is impossible for the old not to envy the young.  But the issue is to accept who you are and revel in that.  This is your time to be in  your thirties.  I had my time to be in my thirties, and now is my time to be seventy-eight.
"You have to find what's good and true and beautiful in your life as it is now.  Looking back makes you competitive.  And, age is not a competitive issue."

"Status will get you nowhere.  Only an open heart will allow you to float equally between everyone."

"In the beginning of life, when we are infants, we need others to survive, right?  And at the end of life, when you get like me, you need others to survive, right?"
His voice dropped to a whisper.
"But here's the secret: in between, we need others as well."

"That's what we're all looking for.  A certain peace with the idea of dying.  If we know, in the end, that we can ultimately have that peace with dying, then we can finally do the really hard thing."
Which is?
"Make peace with living."

"Death ends a life, not a relationship."

"In business, people negotiate to win.  They negotiate to get what they want.  Maybe you're too used to that.  Love is different.  Love is when you are as concerned about someone else's situation as you are about your own."


So there you have it!  Some (just some!) of my favorite quotes from this book.  This time around, I learned a great deal about how to soak in emotions instead of keeping them "under wraps" as well as how important each day is.  I want to get into the habit of visualizing my days as Ghandi does: when you sleep, you die.  When you wake up, you are reborn.  I want to feel reborn every day, to turn over a new leaf, get my head out of the past, and look forward to the bright day ahead of me. 

 

In Conclusion...

Tomorrow is the last day of my internship at DBG, and my head is swimming with memories and lessons learned from the summer.  In an attempt to clear my head and lighten the load a little, I thought I would write some of those down.

First and foremost, don't ever be afraid to take a step in the dark and go somewhere you've never been.  You'll be surprised at how fast you grow and discover that adventures aren't so scary after all.

Learning doesn't only happen at school.  It happens everywhere you want it to.

Every person that comes into your life is there for a reason.  They have something to teach you, and it would be a disservice to yourself to miss out.

You can be as outgoing or as"hermit-crabbish" as you want to be.

Riding a bike is a great start to your day!

Take time to relax and unwind at the end of the day.  Sleep comes much easier that way.  :)

Cook slowly, and savor each step.  It'll be the best therapy.

If you feel like curling up in a ball and hiding in your bed, keep moving.  It's harder to get up when you give into sadness, and forcing yourself to keep moving will get those endorphins working!

On the other hand, it's OK to let yourself be sad for a little while.  Soak in the emotion rather than sucking it up.  Recognize you are sad, and CRY.  Cry it out.  Get into the "ugly cry," as I like to call it, and release your emotion instead of holding it in.  Believe it or not, you will feel better.

I SO want to start my own CSA (Communities Supporting Agriculture) and provide shareholders with fresh, local produce that's becoming scarce in this world.

If you want to know where the idea above came from, read The Dirty Life!!!! It's the best book.  Ever.

Living a life of frugality may leave you longing for a shopping spree every once in a while, but you'll soon find out what makes you happy.

The times I was happiest was not when I was dressed up, with my hair done and clothes pressed at a restaurant.  It was when I had my hair thrown up in a messy bun, handkerchief wrapped around like a headband, running around the yard in flip flops with dirty nails, working on my farmer's tan with pruners in my hand.

Just because something didn't turn out the way you expected doesn't mean it's a failure.  I don't consider anything a failure if you learned something from it.

Live life with an open mind.

My beliefs don't take me out of the world.  Rather, they take the world out of me.

Don't be on Colfax Avenue at night.  There are some scaaary people out there.

Even if there are miles between you and your family, keep them close.  They are one of your best life supports in rough times.

The Atonement fills in the gaps and voids in my life.  There is no need to feel empty inside with Jesus Christ in the picture.  His love is infinite and knows no boundaries.  He is my source of comfort.  

One of the hardest but sometime necessary expressions of love is to let someone go.

From the lessons I learned to the people I met, this has been an unforgettable summer.  I won't forget this past summer, but I am now looking forward to turning over a new leaf with my new knowledge/experience as well as circumstances.  My future is bright, and I am SO excited to see where life is going to take me next.  I've got my sights set on more adventures in new places.  The world is my oyster!

Watch and Pray...

Matthew 26:38 and 41
38Then saith he unto them, My soul is ^aexceeding sorrowful, even unto death: tarry ye here, and ^bwatch with me.
 41^aWatch and ^bpray, that ye enter not into ^ctemptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.


Jesus wanted His disciples to watch, or in other words, stay awake, while He was in the Garden of Gethsemane.  After thinking about these two verses, I noticed that there is a connection between watching and praying in verse 41.  When we pray, we stay spiritually awake. 


I have felt very spiritually tired recently as life has beat me to my knees.  There isn't a better time for me to be sincerely praying and watching.  My flesh is weak, but my spirit is willing.  I need to pray.  As I knelt by my bedside tonight, I poured my heart out vocally to my Heavenly Father, thanking Him for the blessings and asking for guidance and support in my trials.  The difference in how I felt before and after that prayer was like night and day.  I felt spiritually invigorated and re-energized.  

What the Bible Dictionary says about Prayer

An Ode to Goodwill

Oh, Goodwill, how you make my heart sing and my wallet smile.

Tonight, I went to the BEST Goodwill I've ever been to.  It was HUGE, clean, and extremely organized.  And full of incredible brand name clothing in pristine condition!!!  For $21, I bought Banana Republic jeans, Gap jeans, an Express skirt, a pair of shorts from Target, and the cutest wedge shoes.  Clothes shopping really doesn't get better than that.

However, I do support the argument that going to a store and buying new clothes can be more refreshing and enjoyable, and I think everyone needs to go into a department store to blow some money on something they really want.  But Goodwill is where I find most of the clothes in my closet.  Now that I think about it, almost ALL of them came from Goodwill!  


My wardrobe didn't used to be that way.  I was terrified to put even a toe into a thrift store.  I would feel like gagging because "it smelled weird."  And who the heck knows whose armpits have been on that shirt?!  And what if someone barfed on these jeans, washed them, and sent them to Goodwill?  Gross.  And to be absolutely honest, I was a little to prideful to wear "second-hand clothing."  I'm really glad I got over that.

One characteristic I've been developing this summer is frugality.  I definitely haven't ever been reckless with money, but there is room for improvement.  I don't need NEW clothes, and there are a lot of things I want but don't need.  Overall, this has been going well for me in all aspects except for food.  I really like nice food.  Everybody's got a vice, right?  :)

This is one of my new favorites:  Hudson's Baked Tilapia with Dill Sauce

My Life of (Somewhat) Solitude

The other day, I realized that I was acting somewhat like a monk this summer...

After a hellish winter semester of long days in the Benson building doing homework, stressing about getting everything done, and having NO time to relax, I promised myself that this was going to be the summer that I change and detox from the fast-paced lifestyle.  For my health (in all aspects, not just physical!), I knew I had to lessen the amount of stress and increase the amount of relaxation.

When I moved to Denver, I made sure not to fill every single day with tons of items on my daily agenda.  What I DID fill my agenda with is lots and lots of down time.  I don't accept all the offers to go out, and I don't seek for them as often as I had before.  Although I'm sure I'm missing out on opportunities to develop new friendships, I had to weigh out my options, and my sanity is probably a good thing to save.

This summer has been hard to adjust to, but I am FINALLY able to enjoy things like curling up on the couch with a blanket and good book (which is something I've wanted to do for a loooong time).  My stress levels are low, and my health is GREAT.  My goal for the rest of the summer is to stick with it and make this lifestyle change permanent.  I know it will be SO difficult to carry this into school life, but I have to if I want to be healthy and happy.

Thank you, Denver, for the chance to make positive changes in my life.

Soup, meds, and cough drops. AND JOSH GROBAN!

One of my LEAST favorite things in the whole wide world is being sick.  But I can at least use the experience to REALLY appreciate when I'm not sick.  :)  I had to miss a field trip to DBG's research center in Eagle County, but at least I got to sleep!

And once again, in case you were wondering, Josh Groban is going ON TOUR!!  And I just can't justify buying tickets.  I swear, one day, I'm gonna go, and I'm going to have awesome seats.  Yes, the tickets are pretty dang cheap (like $30 a person which is WAY cheap for Josh, thank you student discount), but I'll have to wait for the right time in my life when I actually have money to spare to go to his concert.  And I have told myself before that I need to be married to someone before I go, or else I will involuntarily run up to the stage and propose to that man.  I did have a dream once that I went to his concert, and got to MEET HIM.  The only thing that stunk was that for some unknown reason, he was sulking the whole time I was hanging out with him outside the venue.  Oh, Josh.  If only I knew how to comfort you!

One of my favorite "old-school" photos of Josh.  Of course I don't have 

a folder dedicated to collected photos of Josh on my computer... 

Our Deepest Fear...

I went to church today, and the best way to describe how I feel is that "my cup runneth over."

There is a very famous quote from Nelson Mandela that I had heard bits and pieces from before. After taking the time to read it with my heart open, I have been touched.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. 

 And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Fear is a very common weakness among society, and it only holds us back from achieving our potential.   Letting our light shine isn't just for us and God; it's for those around us that are afraid to do the same.  Once we have the courage to shine and do so, others obtain that same confidence and step out of their rut of hiding in the shadows.

1/3 of the way done already?!

At work this week, someone reminded me that I'm a THIRD of the way through this internship.  Where the HECK did those 4 weeks go?!

Anyway, first off, I want to tell you about something that happened this past week.  I haven't been feeling well (I think it's allergies), and yard work didn't look appealing.  Instead, I decided to water the plants really quick and call it a day.  After stepping outside (barefoot and cellphone-less, might I add), I realized that the mudroom door had closed behind me... And it automatically locks... And I didn't have my keys... AND Tamar was out of town on business for another week.  2 1/2 hours later, and 5 bazillion phone calls later (and after waking up the next-door tenant to have her help me get in touch with Tamar), a plumber that lives 30 minutes away came to save my butt.  The butt saving became mutual, because he had left a paint trail from the door to where he left the paint stick the other day... I told him I'd clean that up for him.  Lesson learned: NEVER leave the house without your keys! You usually learn that lesson once and never learn it again.

Secondly, I want to proclaim that I LOVE OLD PEOPLE!!!  They are the greatest people to talk to about their lives.  They have SO many fun stories and a keen sense of looking at life simply.  I went to a church dinner and started up a conversation with Bob who must have been at least 85+ years old.  He's a very old, small, sweet gentleman who was keeping to himself the entire night.  After chatting with Dorothy (another one of my geriatric friends, as Tamar likes to call them), I sat next to Bob and heard his life story.  It was awesome!  He was drafted into the military before he was even out of high school and was a part of WWII.  Long story short, he transferred from the Army to the Air Force and became a teacher for a class he took and did well in.

He retired from the service after 9 1/2 years and tried to find work.  We talked about how hard it is for military veterans to find work, and many resort to alcoholism to deal with the trauma they experienced.  It's true.  I've seen it recently, and talking to Bob helped me understand that 1) Being in the service is a HUGE sacrifice, and all come back home scarred and hurt. And 2) The gospel can be a great blessing in this situation.  Turning to Christ rather than alcohol is a much better alternative.

Hmmmm...

Well, I WAS going to make homemade bread tonight, but due to the fact that I just chopped off a chunk of skin from my thumb, I'll probably have to wait a week or two.  :(  Instead, I have a desire to blog, but nothing is really coming to mind...

OK, I found something!  Instead of making bread, I made peanut butter cookies.  Those don't require any kneading.  As I was making the cookies, I automatically searched for a fork to make the criss-cross pattern on each cookie.  I stopped for a moment, and thought why the HECK do we do that?!  And only on peanut butter cookies! After a little bit of research, I found that some claim peanut butter cookies, unlike other cookies that are much lighter, need to be squished down in order to get the flat cookie shape.  Others say it's just tradition.  I'm going with the tradition idea, because when I tried to put them in the oven without the blessed fork squish, I just couldn't do it.

5 cookies and 1 cup of milk later, I'm ready for bed.

Stop This Train...

I woke up yesterday morning on the wrong side of the bed (figuratively speaking, that is).  I was tired, and for some reason, I felt defeated.  My body and spirit wanted to stay in bed and mope.  Life's so hard.  I just wish that it could be easier.  I didn't want to deal with opposition of any sort.  I sulked around at work and felt so... cloudy, as if I was in a daze.  I smashed my finger moving a plant cart because I was off in some other world.  Thankfully, eating lunch at an Indian buffet made me feel better and snap out of it.  


As I was listening to my iPod today, I heard a song I've heard about 100 times, but I finally GOT IT.  I actually paid attention to the lyrics, and it was just what I needed to hear.  

Stop This Train
John Mayer


No I'm not color blind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind but...
I just can't sleep on this tonight
Stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly won't someone stop this train

Don't know how else to say it, don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own

Stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't but honestly won't someone stop this train

So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game to find away to say that life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said help me understand
He said turn 68, you'll renegotiate
Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
Don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train

See once in a while when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark.

Singing stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take this speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train

Focusing on the positive...

Two more great lesson from my best friend and worst enemy.  Darn it seeds!

Lesson #1: 
Slow down.  

Cleaning seed manually without any machines can be very labor intensive and time consuming.  Today, I was given some nemastylis geminiflora to clean.  Each seed pod had to be opened carefully by hand, so it took a while.  BUT, I learned that as I was forced to sit down and do something that was slow and time consuming, I had time to think.

Lesson #2: 
Don't focus on what you didn't accomplish in the day, but rather focus on what you DID accomplish.  

I can easily become overwhelmed when I look at the big picture and realize how much I need to do, and all I'm thinking about it was I didn't get done.  I was using a blow dryer and sifter to get all the chaff separated from the seed, and I was focusing on this one piece that I could NOT get to blow away.  As I focused on that one piece that wouldn't move, TONS of other pieces were flying out of the sifter.

Your inbox will ALWAYS be full, so you'd better get used to it.  Don't expect to get to the bottom of the piles of "to-do's," but rather take a step back frequently to see how many papers are in your "done" pile.

I'm tired.  Good night!

Seeds, seeds, and more seeds.

I spent the entire day cleaning seed, organizing seed, and separating seed.  Gee whiz!  BUT, I learned an important lesson.  

As I was cleaning aster seed (which is a HUGE pain in the butt), it was initially very difficult for me to decipher between what was the seed and what was what they call chaff (inert material that once surrounded the seed).  Then I realized that many of the so-called good seeds I picked out were actually undeveloped and therefore deemed bad seed.  Slowly but surely, with the help of a nifty magnifying lamp and a little encouragement/advice from my supervisor, I started to understand what good seed looked like.  

As I was squinting at these TINY seeds, separating them from the chaff, I thought to myself, you know, learning how to separate good seed is a lot like life...  Kind of a Forrest Gump moment.  

It takes a while to learn understand what our purposes are, but once we realize that this process is a lot like finding good seed, we relax.  Initially, it's a hard process, and we feel lost and uninformed.  Over time, however, with the help of various "tools" and "supervisors," we start to figure it out, and soon enough, we can easily tell what our "good seed" is.  When you look back at yourself in the beginning and see how well you were able to focus on your purpose and clear out the chaff over time, you feel a sense of accomplishment.  

And that's what I learned at work today.  

Cooking!

While I'm in Denver, I've chosen to enjoy having extra time to myself instead of planning every minute of every day. It's been hard to get used to feeling productive when I'm not planning my whole day, however, I am slowly, but surely learning how wonderful it is!

One of my favorite past times for a while has been cooking, and with all this extra time, I have been able to let loose and make cooking a deeper, more enjoyable experience. I take my time cutting up fresh vegetables, sneaking a piece or two before placing them in the pot/pan as I listen to my Pandora station. I'm playing with spices more. I'm learning how much better homemade sauces, jellies, and bread tastes. Most importantly, I'm focusing on mentally, emotionally, and physically relaxing while cooking so that I can use this as a tool to de-stress.

So what did I make today? Raspberry bars. And boy were they good.

The recipe came from allrecipes.com: http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Jammin-Good-Bars/Detail.aspx

Ingredients
3 cups all-purpose flour
1 cup white sugar
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/8 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 cup shortening ***(I used 2/3 cup Smart Balance butter)
1 egg
1 (10 ounce) jar raspberry preserves


Directions

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C). Grease a 9x13 inch baking pan.
In a large bowl, stir together the flour, sugar, baking powder, salt and cinnamon. Cut in the shortening until the mixture is coarse and crumbly. Stir in the egg. I use my hands to mix it all together, it just seems easier. Press about half of the mixture into the bottom of the prepared pan. Spread the raspberry preserves over the crust then sprinkle with the remaining crumb mixture.
Bake for about 35 to 40 minutes in the preheated oven, until lightly toasted. Careful not to overcook. Cool in the pan on a wire rack. Then cut into squares, enjoy!

Now, what made it even better is that I made the raspberry preserves from scratch! And it was SO easy.

http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Old-Fashioned-Raspberry-Jam-230700

Ingredients
4 cups fresh raspberries
4 cups sugar

Directions
1. Place sugar in an ovenproof shallow pan and warm in a 250°F (120°C) oven for 15 minutes. (Warm sugar dissolves better.)
2. Place berries in a large stainless steel or enamel saucepan. Bring to a full boil over high heat, mashing berries with a potato masher as they heat. Boil hard for 1 minute, stirring constantly.
3. Add warm sugar, return to a boil, and boil until mixture will form a gel (see tips, below), about 5 minutes.

To determine when the mixture will form a gel, use the spoon test: Dip a cool metal spoon into the hot fruit. Immediately lift it out and away from the steam and turn it horizontally. At the beginning of the cooking process, the liquid will drip off in light, syrupy drops. Try again a minute or two later — the drops will be heavier. The jam is done when the drops are very thick and two run together before falling off the spoon.

After dipping a spoon into the mixture to test the thickness, that spoon inevitably went into my mouth, and I was shocked. This stuff tasted a MILLION times better than the stuff they call preserves in the store. 

 

I love homemade.

Lesson learned: Don't try to microwave leftover raspberry preserves without keeping an eye on it. Otherwise, be prepared for a broken plate, burnt, fingers, and lips, and raspberry preserves.

Ruin is a gift.

Out of curiosity, I started watching the movie, Eat Pray Love.  It wasn't really my cup of tea (Julia Roberts' character isn't my favorite), but I did acquire a very good quote from the movie:

Ruin is a gift.  Ruin is a road to transformation.  

This concept is one that I've learned (and am still learning) to embrace.  I love that this quote uses the word "ruin" instead of pain or trials.  When you think of ruins as in ancient artifacts, they are often broken, torn, and are missing pieces.  When we are "ruined," we go through that same process.  We become broken, torn, and have missing pieces as well.  Our Savior can fix our broken and torn hearts, and sometimes give us our missing pieces back.  

However, we often lose pieces of our lives in order to make room for a better piece.  We may not realize this at first, but as we turn to God for direction, He will lead us to that piece we are looking for.  I have always been amazed at how beautifully and perfectly it fits in my life when I relax and let God take control of my life.

  

First day at the gardens...

I made it through my first day at the Denver Botanic Gardens!!!  I'll be here for 12 weeks working on the DBG's seed herbarium, and I must say that we have a LOT of work to do.  Although today was rather overwhelming (as all first days are), I am extremely excited about this internship.  So here's what happened today:

I arrived at the Waring House (administrative building for DBG) at 8:00am to meet fellow interns for a morning of paperwork which also included multiple rounds of introductions as each intern joined the group outside of the building.  :)  After an hour or two of paperwork, we toured the gardens and all necessary behind-the-scenes facilities we would need to know about.  We were endowed with our glorious crew T-shirts that would make it "official" in my brain that I was on the DBG crew!

The logo on my shirt that makes me feel oh-so cool...

We had a nice welcome lunch with many of the staff members we were going to work with, and everyone is so friendly and fun!  They all seem down-to-earth (excuse the pun) and will all be great mentors to get to know.  After a few more hours of orientation, I got to spend time with my own mentor, Katy.

Katy is AWESOME!  And her boss, Mike, is a hoot.  I am so grateful for the people I've been chosen to work for, and the projects I've been assigned are going to stretch my little horticulture muscles.  I will be leaving this internship with a LOT more knowledge than I came in with.  What exactly have I been assigned to?  Well, I am helping with propagation for the gardens which includes many native and unique specimens.  Let's just say that I'm not germinating petunias and snapdragons all day.  :)  Also, I am going to help organize and establish DBG's seed herbarium, which is a large collection of different types of seeds collected locally as well as from different parts of the world.  I am going to learn a LOT of scientific names.  

All in all, today gave me a lot to be excited about for this summer!

Love casts out fear

Just a short entry today...

I've heard it a million times that "perfect love casteth out fear," yet I still doubt and worry.  In church, we are taught about how important it is for us to learn this simple truth instead of the Lord compelling us to understand.  I thought to myself, I don't want a tragedy to have to teach me this lesson.

With this thought in mind, I am choosing to turn to the Lord for relief from fear.  I'm replacing fear with trust in all aspects of my life which will reduce stress, increase happiness, and help me progress more efficiently.  There is no need to worry.  I don't want to be kept awake by a racing/palpitating heart, waste time thinking about "what-if" scenarios, or feel like I don't have control of what is going on.

I DO have the ability to have an amount of control in what happens to me.  Funny as it sounds, when you allow Heavenly Father to be in control, YOU start to feel more in control of your life.

For all the dirty diapers...

Happy Mother's Day!  It's days like these when we stop and commemorate someone/something special in our lives that I stop and think about how important it is to daily recognize the blessings in our lives, such as our mothers.  Not a day goes by that I don't need my mom around for something; a hug, phone call, or even simply using a technique or skill she taught me.  Without her, I would be pretty lost in life.  She taught me so many things that have literally saved my life, physically and spiritually.  She is one of the rocks in my life that I can run to and know that no matter how old I get, she'll sit on the couch and hold me close for as long as I need.  She listens to the silly drama, worry, frustrations, and struggles as well as my triumphs, pointless funny stories, and dreams/plans for the future.

There are countless acts of sacrifice and incredible strength that have gone unnoticed by me and my sisters, and not necessarily by choice.  She quietly gives everything she has for us: her time, energy, love, patience, and laughter.  She does all of this for the satisfaction of making sure we are happy.  Mommy really is the glue that holds our family together, and there's no replacement for it.

I personally am so indebted to my mom for what she's done for me.  It's not common in society for a child to have a mother who stayed at home to raise her children and did so without being a pushover.  Mom didn't take crap from us, and that taught us to do the same.  She raised three strong young women who can stand up for themselves in a world that so desperately needs people with high standards.  We are who we are largely in part because of Mom and all she taught us.

No more pink!!!

One more coat of paint on the upper half of these walls, and the family room will no longer be a bubblegum pink color!

I love the feeling of looking back on something you did with huge satisfaction.  I've spent the past 2 days working on this room, and all I want to do is stop and keep staring at it.  Hard work is such a valuable principle, yet it's a dieing one.  I am SO grateful that my parents taught me the importance of work!

My fingers smell like rosemary...

One of the best feelings is walking out to your yard or patio and harvesting produce that you grew.  Not only does it taste better than what you would get in the grocery store, but you experience a feeling of satisfaction and pride in knowing that YOU grew that!  I just put sprigs of fresh rosemary in between slices of a pork roast and rubbed minced rosemary all over it.  Even after washing my hands, they still smelled like rosemary.  The smell was wonderful, and I can't wait to taste it in a few hours.


Call me granola, but I have grown to develop a deep and lasting love for nature, the grand teacher of simplicity.  I find joy in harvesting produce, satisfaction in spending hours working in the yard, and peace amidst the quiet, often sacred surroundings of nature.  As the world becomes more complicated, nature remains constant.  You can always rely on nature to bring you lasting happiness and peace of mind, and this is a huge testimony to me of the love that God has for us.  He didn't just put us on this earth without putting a great deal of thought into the design.  Not only has it been created with aesthetics in mind, but we can learn many lessons from nature as well. There is powerful symbolism everywhere in nature, and many notable spiritual experiences happened in nature because of its ability to create a sacred environment.  And on that note, I feel empowered...


Dieter F. Uchtdorf said: "The bounds of creativity extend far beyond the limits of a canvas or a sheet of paper and do not require a brush, a pen, or the keys of a piano. Creation means bringing into existence something that did not exist before—colorful gardens, harmonious homes, family memories, flowing laughter."


Creating gardens and maintaining them is somewhat spiritual!  I can create sacred environments where people can feel the spirit and have incredible experiences.  That's awesome.  :)

Green Bean...

About a week or two ago, I had some friends over for dinner on Sunday.  My friend, Lanae, had brought a can of green beans to share, so when she came in the door, she said "I brought green beans!" And then I ran and hugged her.  Well, I guess Jordan thought that she was calling me Green Bean!  Now the name has stuck.  I like it.  :)

Anyways, life has been great!  Sure, school is kicking my trash, but I am remembering to stay balanced and have fun too.

I got euphorbia in my eye!

I am SO busy with tons of homework at the moment, but I decided to stop for a minute and tell you a funny story:

In Nursery Management class, we took several cuttings of different "xerophytes," also known as cacti, succulents, and euphorbia.  It was one of my favorite labs!  I can't wait to plant all of them next week.  

Well, my eye started getting pretty irritated, but I didn't check it out in the mirror.  I thought I had gotten some dirt in it or something.  Well, I soon find out from a friend that my eye is REALLY red.  My immediate response "I think I got some euphorbia in my eye!"  Hahahaha!  Only a plant nerd would say that.  And I LOVE that I was the one who said it.  :)

Shoot for the Stars!

I've been thinking a lot about this concept: Shoot for the stars, and even if you land on the moon, it's still pretty awesome!

Not a day goes by that I don't think about my experience at Disney World for that year at Epcot.  I shot for the stars, and I made it that time.  It was one of the most amazing years of my life that I am forever grateful for.  It shaped me and paved the way for a brighter future full of more exciting adventures and ambitions.  That internship help lead me towards the direction I'm headed in my career.  Ultimately, I want to use my education to get others excited about horticulture, whether it's in a botanic or community garden, through a landscaping company, as a sales rep or a PR for a company, or in my own home.  I am SO excited!

Because of this newfound ambition and direction, I applied to numerous internships for the summer in botanical gardens and their community garden programs:

Longwood Gardens (located in Kennett Square, PA): A very prestigious internship to do, and having Disney on my resume helps a LOT.  I applied for 3 internships: Indoor Display, Outdoor Display, and Greenhouse Propagation.  

Chicago Botanic Garden: I applied for their display internship as well as their "Green Youth Farm" community garden program.  The display internship would have me working in the botanic garden while the Green Youth Farm internship would have me in one of four community gardens in Chicago supported by the gardens.  I would be working with middle/high school students from under served areas to teach them all I know about gardening and help them develop who they are.

Denver Botanic Garden: I basically applied for the same internships like Chicago, but their CSA program is not with middle/high school students.  It is more focused on the community as a whole.

No matter where I end up, I am going to have SUCH a blast.

Daily Bread...

Today was a great day... :)

It's so wonderful when you have one of those Sundays that you needed so badly.  You get so much instruction and revelation meant just for you to help you in your current situation.

This week was rather stressful as I left home for the millionth time and caught a plane to Salt Lake City.  I did not want to leave!  This past weekend, I was able to go down memory lane and meet with old friends, drive down familiar roads, and feel back at home.  Coming back to school was difficult.

And when I got back to school, I felt like I was thrown in the deep end of a pool with sharks in it without any floaties!  I am taking the Production block of classes where nearly all classes are taught by the same professor that doesn't like to publish assignments and due dates.  I am so worried that I won't write down every assignment and when it's due, and I keep getting classes mixed up.  Point being, I am overwhelmed.

Today was such a great day full of spiritual advice:

- First, I have SUCH a great ward with an incredible bishop.
- In Sunday School, we learned about John the Baptist's parents and his mission on earth.  I learned that we may not have as "grand" of a mission as John the Baptist, but we DO have missions to fulfill on Earth, and we need to be preparing every day for those missions that will come our way.
- I've been thinking a lot about this concept: You can't always pay someone back, but you can always pay it forward.  I have a hard time accepting help, as you can tell from my humble pie entry, and I realized that what I should be doing instead of paying people back is to live my life in a way that I am focusing on what I can do for others, going by the spirit instead.
- There was a CES Fireside today with D. Todd Christofferson, and he talked a lot about daily efforts.  Heavenly Father appreciates EVERY effort we make to becoming a better person.  It's the daily efforts that Heavenly Father wants; don't try and be superwoman!  I need to look at my life day-by-day instead of looking at my agenda book and syllabus, freaking out about all that I need to do. Baby steps.

How do you eat an elephant?  One bite at a time.